February in Indiana

Guys, life just really stinks sometimes.  I ask myself all the time when did I get old enough to experience adult problems?  Oh man, if I could just tell my 20 year old self how easy I had it.  Sure I cried over boyfriends and the "she said what about me?" drama, but if only I knew how silly that all was then.  Being grown up is full of REAL life problems, REAL life heartache, and REAL life decisions.

Currently, I want to shake the hand of someone who is experiencing a relative calm in their life.  It'd be great to ask them what it's like and how great it is to make it through the day without your heart breaking over something in your life or in someone you love's.  If it's you, just take a hot minute and give thanks for your moment of peaceful life.

Throughout the past three years of blogging, I've definitely written about peaks and valleys.  After all, isn't that what life is?  A series of super-great highs and series of super-tough lows?  I'm a long way (fortunately) from the deepest of my lows, but I still dip from time to time.  What's great about coming out of a low (besides that you're coming out of a low!), is that you're blessed with a period of reflection.  You don't gain perspective by everything being awesome all the time.  Valleys strip away every superficial thing we use in our life to cover the ugly and show our true character, who we are at our core, what truly matters to us.  They humble us.  They laugh at the control we think we hold in our lives.  They often bring us to our knees.

Listen, I'm not saying that I'm thankful for having to experience that valley.  I'm definitely not saying I want to experience it again.  But, I am thankful for it renewing my relationship with God.  I am thankful for the strength that I gained.  I am thankful for the deepening of my relationship with Chad.  I am thankful for the new compassion I have for others who have to walk through deep valleys.  And I'm thankful for how it changed me.  When you're in one, it can be pretty bleak, pretty dark.  But, there is always hope.  Hope for when you get through it.  Hope for what happens after.  Hope for what the grander plan may be.  Remember my little ant/tapestry analogy?  That always helps me visualize hope when I need it.

I will say, though, I'm ready for a peak.  Or heck, I'm ready for a plateau even!  I'm ready to be reminded of the good and happy in the world.  I'm anxious to shed the heartache I've been carrying.  I guess there's just not much to be joyful about in February in Indiana!  Except for maybe these guys.....

 

Surviving

I'm not going to lie.  2015 is off to a rough start.

Chad's Mom, our Nana, has been bravely battling Stage 4 breast cancer for five years.  In mid-January her health took a sudden decline and Chad spent three of the four weeks of January in Florida caring for her.  By the grace of God, I survived single-momming it for three weeks.  Last week, they decided he could best care for her here.  So, we've finally got her settled up here just five minutes from our house.  But, man, things have been tough.

Cal was teething and sick for about a week, and now Elena has been sick.  Sick kids are tough.  Like the toughest, most exhausting, patience-testing thing ever.  I have been cleaning up barf about 100 times a day for what seems like a month...Calvin, Elena and yes, even Pete.  Some days it feels like my purpose in life is to clean up puke, do laundry with everything puke/poop-covered and change diapers.  That can certainly wear on a person. (Pun intended:  I literally have "worn" puke every day for a month)

Morale in our house has been pretty low at times.  Chad and I are doing our best to keep up with caring for everyone who needs us.  My sweet husband is carrying the biggest load, caring for his Mom, the kids and me, when I melt down.   Thank sweet Jesus for Chad.  He is always the glue that hold us all together.  We would be a mess without him.

Thankfully, today, Elena is on the mend.  I'm praying I don't fall victim next.  Chad asked me this morning if I needed anything today.  My reply?  A trip to Mexico next week.  Since that's not likely happening, I'll be content that the sun is shining today and our babysitter is here so I can aimlessly wander the aisles of Target for an hour.  It's the little things, guys!

Cal hiding from Mom

Elena and I did some baking while she was sick!  They're cooking at school this month so we wanted to try it at home too.

9 Months

Our Calvin is nine months old!  It's so hard to believe we waited nine months for him to arrive, and we've had the joy of getting to know him and watch him grow for that same amount of time.  I can't even begin to describe the happiness, smiles and love he has added to our family.

At nine months, Cal is definitely on the go.  He getting super quick at crawling.  He can practically crawl the length of our house (which is a realllly ranch) in a flash.  I think he's really enjoying this new "freedom".  His favorite, though, is to stand and hold on to whatever he can find.  He pulls up on our counter stools, Elena's wheelchair, Elena's stander, the ottoman, our patio doors, my legs!  Everything!  Just in the last week he has started to move around these objects while standing too.  It's so fun to watch him figure out how to get around.

His new sound is "go-go" and "ga-ga".  He loves saying "go-go-go-go".  He'll clap his hands and practice all his new sounds.  So far he's saying "go", "ga", "ba", "na", "da-da" (Chad's favorite), "za-za" and "sssss".  He does the last two bearing his cute little teeth.  With his growing vocabulary, I'm still anxiously awaiting that beloved "ma-ma".  He's holding out on me!

Calvin's still growing like a weed.  He's totally in 12 month clothes now, though he is thinning out a bit now that he's on the move.  He is 21lbs, but getting so tall at 31.5".  Chad's holding out hope for continued height and can't wait to start him doing basketball drills. :)

He's still such a happy boy and really easy going.  He makes Elena laugh every day, which I can already see boosts his confidence, hah!  Cal's sweet and snuggly and is so fun for me to watch.  I love seeing him grow and change.  It's hard to believe that I'll be planning a first birthday in just a few months.  For now, I continue to savor all these sweet baby moments with him, because I know he'll be a toddler before I know it.  We love you Cal-boy!

So Proud

Many of you saw the video I posted on Instagram and Facebook yesterday of Elena walking at the Jackson Center (for those that didn't, I posted it in it's entirety below!).  She's had such a great week that has given me renewed hope in our goals for her.

 Life with a special needs child can be so discouraging at times.  We enthusiastically celebrate every millimeter of progress.  Even the smallest of achievements can encourage us as parents.  This is because Elena has to work so incredibly hard for everything, things that most parents could never comprehend.  She works harder than any three year old ever should.  You see, we celebrate the fact that she had open hands during a task, not clenched fists.  It's a victory when she can hold her head up for 30 seconds while sitting or standing.  We whoop for joy when she can knock over a set of blocks in front of her.  We celebrate, because after three years of watching her, we understand the effort and coordination it takes for her little mind and body to cooperate.

For nearly two years, we've been watching her hip deteriorate, seeing her leg lengths become uneven, making it even MORE difficult to sit, stand, and especially try and take steps.  Surgery on a special needs child is scary for lots of reasons, but mostly because the fear of losing progress.  Seeing Elena fight for every inch makes it devastating to see her have to relearn something that's taken three years to achieve.

This past week at the Jackson Center, just eight weeks post-surgery, has renewed our hope.  Elena is doing so great.  She's finally returning to her normal self (and SLEEPING!!!!).  We're seeing great results from her hip surgery, legs are the same length again, easier balancing while sitting, gaining strength in her left leg.  All these things, while they seem small, can and will be HUGE for her going forward.

I'm so, so proud of my sweet little girl.  To see her take steps again brings my heart so much joy.  She's learning so much and loving every minute of it.  She's the best example of courage and determination and I'm just so darn lucky to be her Mommy.

Here is the whole video (I just posted a few seconds).  This gives you a better idea of how much effort it takes for her to take each step.  But, seriously, the squeals are the BEST!  

A Wednesday Thought

I started a blogpost today complaining describing how increasingly difficult it is becoming for me to figure out logistics for getting Elena and Cal anywhere these days.  About three paragraphs in, I realized that I was indeed complaining.  I thought to myself...seriously, Emmalee?  Is this really THAT big of a deal?

Is it difficult to do anything or go anywhere with a three year old who can't walk and an increasingly active 8 month old?  Yes.   Are there bigger problems in the world?  Yes!  Did it make me stop and think, in all reality, how incredibly fortunate I really am?  There are so many things that we "want" in life, that would just make things soooo much easier or make us sooo much happier.  I could totally use another set of hands every day or a 30 minute nap when 3:30pm rolls around.  But, so what if that doesn't work out for me.  Chances are, I will survive.

I saw a quote the other morning and it has sort of stuck with me the last few days.

"If you don't feel grateful for what you already have, what makes you think you would be happy with more?"

Isn't that so true?  Don't we always think that just that one thing will make all the difference in our life?  I would venture to bet that each of you reading this blog has a home, with heat, food in the pantry, a car that runs and about a million other things that a billion people in this world don't have.  My worst day is still probably better than the day of hundreds of millions of people.

So, maybe just for today, before you start to complain about something seemingly silly, erase those paragraphs and start over with something perhaps more productive!  Happy Wednesday!

On the Move

Ok.  So much for blogging more.  Resolution #1, down the drain.  Sorry!  Chad was gone for the whole first week of January and I spent that week losing it, then getting it back together, then losing it again SO I'm back together again now and all is well.

Side note:  Single Momming it is really, really, really hard.  Apparently, you cannot lose it.  EVER.

Side note again:  I'm really, really, really thankful for you, Chad.  I don't lose it nearly as much when you're around.  And that's good.

Anyway, notes aside, Cal is on the move!  The day Chad left Cal officially began crawling.  He had perfected his slither/army crawl across our hardwood floors, but now he is fully (and ridiculously fast) hands/knees on the go.  That was last Friday.  Then Saturday, I noticed he would crawl then pull up to our ottoman on his knees.  Skill mastered.  Then Sunday morning, I look over and he's standing at our ottoman.  I thought to myself that Pete must've pushed him up there until I saw him pull himself up to stand.  And by Monday, he was reading, writing and solving math problems.  Just kidding.  But seriously, in a matter of three days Cal had really upped his mobility game.

So, obviously not knowing what to do, I panicked and lowered his crib, locked up the cleaning product cabinet and cleared the ottoman of the remotes and lovely scented candles.  We are officially on the move around here.

His first shotgun ride at the grocery.

Pretty proud of himself

Looking Back & Ahead

Tomorrow is the very last day of 2014.  It is unbelievable how quickly 365 days can pass in our busy lives.  I find myself flying through life, barely able to remember what I did the day before.  I love doing a year-end post because it makes me actually stop and think about all that blessings I have been given this year, but also see how I have come through the difficulties.  The blessings are wonderful and sweeten life just that much more, but looking back on the not-so-good things, in a way, is a blessing too.  It means that I have come through a storm.  I have a new perspective, perhaps a more sympathetic heart and often a renewed faith.

What's great for our family is that this lil' blog also serves as my scrapbook for each year.  This is amazing for me, as the thought of even crafting up one year in a scrapbook sounds absolutely miserable to my non-crafty self.  So here's my clifnotes version of 2014 in review.

In January, we endured insanely freezing temperatures, feet of snow and managed to sell our house.  I briefly escaped winter in February, flying solo with Elena while seven months pregnant to visit my parents in Arizona.  I survived it and was able to thaw out in the sun for a week.  On March 1st, we found ourselves new residents of the 'burbs and began settling into our newly remodeled home.  This promptly sent me into panic mode having less than two months before baby #2 arrived.  In April we died over the cuteness of watching Elena ride her horse in hippotherapy, savored our last moments as a family of three and celebrated the biggest moment of our year!  Our 9lb 7oz Calvin Merrick arrived on April 26th!  May, I don't remember.  I had a newborn, a three year old, a busy schedule and little sleep.  June brought slower schedules, a little more sleep but painful reminders as we watched Cal grow and develop, remembering the short time we had with the old Elena.  In July, we received another great boost from Elena's doctor in Pittsburgh, celebrated her three years of life and my thirtieth birthday.  August was a happy one.  We traveled to Charlevoix, Michigan then turned around and flew to Amelia Island, Florida for vacation with Chad's family.  And somewhere in between Chad and I celebrated our five years of marriage and Elena's first day of preschool.  We giggled our way through September, watching Cal lose his "scowl" and start to develop his sweet little personality.  In October the temperatures begin to dip and so did our hearts.  I spent the month stressing over Elena's looming surgery and all the preparations that came with traveling half way across the country for it.  November began celebrating our beloved Ronald McDonald House and a perfectly timed "calm-before-the-storm" getaway to Arizona.  This, of course, was followed by Elena's hip surgery and lots of stressful days and nights.  And finally, December.  It's been the hardest month this year.  It has challenged me as a Mom, a wife and as a human being.  It's been rough and I'm so looking forward to a new month and a new year.

Whew.  It all seems so compact and tidy, but I know otherwise.  It's life.  It's messy, complicated, emotional, blessed, beautiful and happy.  Most of all, it's temporary.  Every difficulty, every tear, every high and every low will pass.  It's definitely not always quick and easy but I know the sun always come back out.

As for the new year, my resolution for 2015, is to savor each day I am gifted, reflect more and to attempt to keep the chaos of it all from consuming me.  I want to give thanks more than I complain and cry happy tears more than sad.  I want to be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend.  I want to be a better Emmalee.  And more realistically, (ha!) I want to write more.  Writing is very cathartic for me.  I hope to journal more for myself and blog more for all you who are so supportive of our family.

I hope each of you has had more highs this year than lows and that 2015 will bring the same!  Thank you for continuing to love and support our family...we love you all!