Hinton Status

It's been a long, good while since I've given any real update on the status of our family.  So, no deep thoughts here today folks, just thought I'd share a little bit about all three kiddos.

We'll start with the classic third kid...Turner or T-dawg, T-bug, T-bone as we lovingly refer to him around here.  This child is a dichotomy.  He's arguably the most content, sweet, smiley little thing, but at the same time I feel like he's been fussy and needy most his nearly four months.  He does go with the flow, as if he had a choice.  We're on the go almost always at least five out of the seven days a week, so he's in his car seat A LOT!  Of course, this means he's on an unpredictable schedule, which goes against every fiber of my being.  Schedule = Consistency = Predictability = Sleep = Good Life in my book.  Both Elena and Cal were rockstars in this category, Turner not so much.  Besides the schedule and lack of sleep, he's certainly the most expressive of our kiddos.  He smiles at ANYTHING.  It's great and so darn cute.  You may remember Cal "The Scowl"...it took every trick in the book to get him to smile.  Elena was so content but I had to use some good material for her too. Ha!  As far as tricks go, he's rolling all over the place, gives us the occasional giggle, and coos around the clock.  He's changing by the day and is just the cutest little thing.  I know a lot of people think he looks like Cal, and he does, but really he reminds me so much of Elena at that age.  His expressions, his eyes, his smile take me back to that short time we had with her then.  I'm starting to feel that familiar anxiety creep in like it did when Calvin was around this age.  Elena was injured six days before she was four months.  I remember with Cal, being so scared until that time period passed and I feel that familiar fear in my gut now as T starts to approach that age.  It's weird and unfounded, but I'll feel it for awhile longer (though it never really goes away).

Calvin is a two year old.  Some days he's great and fun and hilarious and other days he tests every fiber of my being.  Other than the emotional swings of toddler-hood, he's a pretty great kid.  He's sweet, funny, caring and polite.  He is my helper with both Elena and Turner and takes his role as brother very seriously.  He loves to read and has memorized several books on account of us reading them to him 5,278,902 times.  He loves puzzles, music, singing, dinosaurs, sports and school.  Pretty eclectic taste!  He requests Elton John's "Crocodile Rock" all. the. time. and demands Kidz Bop on all car rides (shoot me).  We often catch him singing songs to himself or sitting with a book "reading" out loud or to Elena.  "Gasketball", soccer, golf, football and "lollyball" are favorites around here, all of which make Dad beam with pride.  Though, it's the indoctrination of the IU Fight Song and the memorization of the entire IU Men's Basketball team that have Chad really happy.  Calvin will gladly tell you his favorite player is "Juwaaaaaaan", his cousin Sam like "OG" and Uncle Evvy likes "Thomas".  I think his head will explode when Chad takes him to his first IU game.

We moved him to a big boy bed back in October and he's *nearly* potty trained, though that's been one step forward, two steps back.  He goes to preschool two days a week and loves to hang with his best buddy Max.  Christmas has him allllll excited this year, which is exciting for us to watch.  And he's looking so grown up these days.  He's growing like a weed and never stops talking. I wish I would write down all the funny things he says and does.  I'll never tire of hearing him say "I'm losing my britches!" (when his pants are falling down)  Cal has a big heart and that has me proud.  Watching him grow is such a privilege.

Last, but not least, Elena!  It feels good to say that she's finally on the upswing again!  Having a child with special needs is a constant roller coaster.  Things will be good for awhile, then something pops up (perhaps like emergency hip surgery), enter crisis/setback mode, then usually things get ironed out again.  I'm praying that we stay on this track for a good long bit, because it's SO awesome to see her doing so well.  I can't express enough how much she loves school.  Anytime anyone asks her about it, she immediately smiles and starts to "tell" them all about it.  Chad and I just can tell that her little brain is soaking up all the input, academically, socially and therapeutically.  We are so encouraged by it all.  You may have seen the video I posted last week of her taking steps in therapy.  This is also a new "stride" (pun intended!) for her.  She must feel great with two new, stable hips under her because all she wants to do is stand and take off stepping.  It's so fun to watch.  She's really doing great on all fronts...visually, communicative skills, academically, physically....she continues to prove to us that there is so, so much more that is possible for her.

All of that said, it's a lot.  There's still so much to manage.  Our list of "shoulds" is a lot longer than what we are actually doing.  She needs a lot of support and we get a lot of "homework" in her therapies that we struggle to implement at home.  It really is a full time job.  With our schedule and three kids who all need me all day, the tasks are impossible.  But, it still feels good knowing all that she is doing, without me at my full devotion to all her needs.

Momlife is hard ya'll.  It feels somewhat better, to see all that my kids are and achieving, (do this!) written out when every day feels mostly like a failure.  Three kids is no joke.  It makes me almost cringe when people say to me what a great job I'm doing because, let me be real clear here....we are surviving.  That's it...there's little else to our day other than just making it to bedtime.  And when bedtime comes, I breathe on the couch for approximately 15-20 minutes before putting myself to bed.  I haven't seen 10pm (honestly, 9:30pm) in months.  I know I'm not alone, there's lots of you Mom's out there in the trenches with me.  But, it's true...it's just a season (oh dear God, please let this just be a season!) and one magical day I won't clean up puke, poop or other bodily fluids.  I'll rise in the morning after a full and complete night's sleep.  I'll blissfully send all three kids to school and enjoy eight peaceful hours of nothing.  Maybe I'll even put on real jeans, curl my hair (let's be real here, actually shower), and look acceptable in public.  That day WILL come and it will be amazing.  But for now, it's not...ha!

Our life, in all it's chaos, is still pretty great.  I have three ridiculously, squeezably, cute kids who make me laugh (and cry), smile (and cry), and bring me so much joy (and cry).  We have so much to be thankful for this holiday season and always.  That's the Hinton's lately...and props to me for posting two weeks in a row....it's a win!

A Thanksgiving Challenge

I generally like to do a Thanksgiving post, because I think it's so so important to have a grateful spirit, not just one day a year, but all the time.  In our culture, this can be really difficult.  I know I am a few days early but I'm grateful for thirty minutes of Daniel Tiger this morning to keep my two year old occupied.  

This year I don't think Thanksgiving could have come at a better time considering everything that's happened in our world in the last few weeks and months.  Politics and politicians aside, I've found the behavior of the American people (all sides, all parties) to be the most disappointing.  And it's not just the subject of politics, it's friend to friend, family to family, neighbor to neighbor.  People just aren't kind anymore.  We live in a me, me, me world.  It's all about how I feel, what you did to me, how I've been slighted, how I wasn't treated fairly.  There's no respect of others, other's opinion, other's feelings.  We've forgotten that other people exist.  

I would like to think the perspective of my own "me world" changed five years ago when I found myself in the ER with my three month old baby, whose life was nearly taken.  I learned pretty quickly that life isn't fair.  Things don't always turn out the way we expect them to.  Sometimes we lose.  Sometimes justice does not prevail.  Sometimes it doesn't matter what you want or how you feel.  Sometimes things happen that leave you afraid and unsure of what lies ahead.  And I've learned that those are the moments when you choose to either shrivel or shine.  

You can shrivel into an angry, bitter, revengeful person.  Or you can choose to shine by humility, forgiveness, kindness, perspective.  It's in the moments that often leave you feeling crushed, confused and disoriented, where you pick your path.  It's not always an easy choice.  Sometimes it's easier to be angry and spew bitter words at others and into the world.  But you learn more, gain more and give more when you choose the other.  

In our world, there's far too many people who choose pride over humility.  There's far too many people who choose to shout, instead of listening.  There's far too many people who choose to be bitter and spiteful, instead of being kind and forgiving.  If we could all step outside of our feelings, opinions and circumstances for just a moment and realize that there is an entire world of people who also have feelings and difficulties, perhaps we could resolve some of the hurt.  When we pause to be thankful for what we do have and consider the needs of others, you may find that your hurt, problems, whatever, isn't so bad.  

In this week of Thanksgiving, I challenge you to identify one thing in your life that is a source of hurt, whether it's a relationship, circumstance, outcome or anything else, step outside your feelings for a moment, and choose humility, kindness, forgiveness.  Reflect gratitude for all you have been given.  Honor the source of all the gifts in your life.  Choose to shine.  

I am thankful for all of you, who continue to show love and support to our family.  It is entirely humbling to know how many of you care and still pray for our sweet girl.

I am also thankful for the gift of grace.  I always need it and I'm frequently reminded that I need to give it.  

Lastly, I'm thankful for this......  Just in case you don't believe in miracles

Happy Thanksgiving.

Five Years Later

Every year as this date rolls around, that familiar pit in my stomach appears, the lump in my throat is constant, and I always feel like I'm on the verge of tears.  This year, five years after our lives forever changed in a millisecond, those feelings remain.  The last couple days the events of that day have been on replay in my mind.

And while the flashbacks are painful, I can't help but feel a little differently this year.  You may remember my post last year.  That was truly one of the scariest things I've ever done.  But by the time I realized that was what I need to do, God had already prepared me for the act itself.  My mind and my heart were freed from the heavy burden of anger that weighed my soul.  Forgiveness is such an amazing gift, whether you are giving or receiving it.  It frees your heart to feel other things like gratitude, love, humility, compassion, all things that reflect Jesus and what He did for us.  Extending forgiveness doesn't change the hurt of that day, the questions that remain or the difficulties Elena and our family face as a result, but it has allowed me to move forward and clear my heart of the anger and bitterness.

After a tragedy, one of the questions that you always hear is "Why?".  It's no different for me.  Do you know how many times I've thought, pleaded with God, for the answer to that question?  Do you know how mad at Him I've been at times for this to have happened to my child?  Faith can sometimes be a hard, hard thing.  It often fights against our human instincts to seek the tangible, get the answer.  But I know that's not always possible and without my faith, there would be no strength and there would be no hope.

For Chad and me, it's never been about the what happened, it's been about how we have wanted to respond to it.  I remember a conversation we had before even leaving the hospital that we didn't want what happened to make us fearful and bitter.  We both wanted to face whatever laid ahead together in a bold, positive, hopeful way.  I think that's where faith comes in.  I was able to commit to that, because I knew we wouldn't be walking it alone.  I knew that from the moment I called out to God on the drive to the hospital, He would be there walking with me, carrying me, fighting for me every step of the way.  And He has.  God has been so faithful.  During those dark, impossible times He wants us to lean into Him and redeem that pain with love, grace and forgiveness.

And my friends, five years later, I can look back and see those promises fulfilled.  I can see the beauty that is His plan, perfectly woven through the hurt.  It doesn't mean that life is easy.  There's still heartbreak.  I still grieve.  My hearts aches for the difficulty that Elena will always face.  But I know we have only begun to see the "immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine".  (Ephesians 3:20)

My sweet Elena is the happiest, most easy going, hardest working, precious little soul.  She is my love, my joy, my inspiration.  I know God has great plans for her life and her story.  It is the greatest privilege to be her Mom and to share her story with all of you.

                                     

Our chicken, October 31, 2011...the last picture I took of Laney girl.

 Four days later

Five years later, my happy girl

 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  Romans 8:28 

Learning to See

Hi sweet friends.  I'm alive.  We are adjusting.  Life (or three kids, rather) is busy.  I've had computer probs.  I know I'm neglecting the blog, but I'm trying!  I have sat down no less than 5 times to begin writing a post in the last few weeks, only to be called back on duty moments later.  So bear with me friends!  And a big thanks to PBS Kids for occupying Calvin long enough for me to crank this out, not to mention a rogue daytime nap for Turner...Hallelujah!

Apologies aside, I wanted to share with you about Elena's recent assessment by her vision specialist.  As you may remember, we have travelled to Pittsburgh several times in the last few years to see a doctor who is the best of the best on Elena's vision impairment, (Cortical Vision Impairment) CVI.

A quick, simple refresher on CVI:  People who have CVI can physically see, meaning the eyes (structures all intact) bring in the visual input, but the brain has difficulty interpreting this input.  Simply put, the eyes see, the brain has trouble telling you what you're seeing.  Therefore, we have to "teach" Elena's brain what she is seeing.

We hadn't been in a couple years.  With Elena starting Kindergarten and working on a communication device, we decided we needed to make time for a visit even with all that we have had going on the last few months.  And man, are these appointments ever worth it!  We always leave inspired, educated and honestly, emotional.

She assessed Elena's vision and noted some improvement from last time, which is great.  Elena still has a lot to work on, however.  To achieve more progress in her vision, she needs to accomplish some things that are pretty difficult for her.  It's all very complicated to explain, but we have great hope for her!  The best thing about these doctor appointments is that we leave with instructions on how to help Elena and what we can do to help her improve her vision.  We will be busy integrating these at a school and at home.  Just more to do :)

In leaving this latest appointment, I had a bit of an "Aha! Moment".  After all this time educating myself on Elena's vision impairment over the last five years, it had never occurred to me that Elena's visual world would never look like mine. (This likely should have been obvious.)  I always had in my mind that our efforts to "improve" Elena's vision was so that ultimately she could see the way that I see, which in hindsight seems so silly. For whatever reason in that appointment it clicked that all our efforts, all the hours of therapy, are to give Elena the tools to navigate HER world, not mine.  Sitting there, my mind reeled, processing that thought.  At that realization, I almost felt ashamed that I was just now figuring that out and had wanted her to experience life the way that I do.  Elena will never physically see the way that I do, or Chad does or her brothers do.  Her world will always look different as a result of her impairment, but what she needs from me is for my focus to be about teaching her what she does see and giving her the tools to interpret it.

Am I making sense?  I realize my sleep deprived thought processes can get a little jumbled these days!  For example, we're teaching/working on helping Elena to walk. (She's doing awesome, by the way!)  Now, it's pretty obvious that Elena will never walk like me, but she'll be walking no less.  It's the same with her vision.  We know at what level she can see.  We have hope that she will continue to make progress in interpreting what she sees, but what/how she sees things will never look the same as me.  She will always have to work at deciphering her visual world.  Whew, got that?! 

One of the blessings of having a child with special needs is all the perspective it gives you, and sometimes a new one pops up out of nowhere, like it did for me last week.  God made us all with different perspectives, outlooks, gifts and abilities.  Instead of always getting others to see, feel and do the same as us, wouldn't it do us all better to try and see OTHER perspectives and respect those, even if you find them totally unrelatable?  Sometimes it helps to get out of our own head, remove our own pride and selfishness and appreciate our differences.  At that moment in the doctor's office, I was so proud of Elena, how hard she works, all her gifts and what she teaches me every day.  I'm thankful to learn about her world, how she sees and interprets it.  It's totally foreign to me, but it teaches me so much.  There is so much VALUE in that.  

I'm so encouraged in this moment.  I have so much hope that we will be able to help Elena "see" her world.  I have so much hope in Elena's physical, cognitive and communicative abilities and all the progress we've seen her make.  I'll be honest, a lot of times it can be really difficult living our reality or even facing our reality, but a lot of times simply loving and accepting Elena the way she is, is just so darn beautiful and rewarding.  God continues to use her to stretch me, open my heart and teach me things I didn't know I needed to be taught.  I've said it before, Elena is joy.  And come on, you have to appreciate the irony of me "seeing" all this at an appointment where a doctor is teaching us to help Elena "see"!  You can't say that God doesn't have a sense of humor!   

How Are We Doing?

You guys, I'm alive.  I may be in survival mode, but we all are alive.  The past three weeks have been, um, challenging.  There has been SO MUCH GOING ON (I feel the need to all caps this to prove the level of chaos) that literally only one sliver of a nostril is the only thing keeping me from drowning in the waters of this thing called life, currently.  So, yeah, three kids is HARD.

Ahhh, I have really enjoyed reminiscing about the ease that was only having one child (or two for that matter) the last few weeks, which obviously was the hardest.thing.ever. at the time.  Now, I know hard.  I've cried the last couple nights to Chad (who has been so full of grace for me and my hormonal-emotional, happy-one-minute-screaming-the-next state) that I'm giving myself a big, fat "F" for all things Momming of three Hinton children.  He, understanding my fragile state, wisely told me I was being too hard on myself, but I secretly think he agrees.

For starters, Elena has had a bit of a rough start to school.  Not her per se, she's loving every second, but we have had a bit of a struggle understanding her day and making sure her time between Kindergarten and Life Skills is benefiting her the most.  I have been fretting over this for weeks.  Then there's all her therapies, which as her self-proclaimed Therapy Guru, I am failing miserably.  I have ALWAYS been on top of everything, leading the charge, making sure everyone is on the same page and pushing her.  Well, I'm just not.  Then there's her need for some new equipment, some upcoming doctor appointments, and coordinating all of it is quite time consuming.

Then there's our always easy-going, sweet as can be, Calvin.  In the midst of potty training, bringing home a new family member, and (just today) falling out of his crib in the throes of a naptime fight (which literally has NEVER happened before), is testing whatever fumes are left in my patience tank.  He's two, and there's obviously some changes around here, but woah Mama.  Did you guys know it's nearly impossible to explain/rationalize/use common sense with a two year old?  Turns out, they don't care.  I'm hoping it's one of those "planting the seeds" metaphors, and that any day all our rules, pep talks and life lessons will sprout him into a blossoming 2 1/2 year old?  No?  Yeah, probably not.  F.

And then there's Turner, who is a newborn.  Besides keeping me up every 2.5-3 hours at night, wanting to be held all the time (in constant motion), and grunting/farting around the clock, he is pretty easy.  The problem is you throw a five year old, a two year old, and about 1,439 simultaneous life issues occurring at the same time into the mix, things can seem quite um,........overwhelming?!

So there you have it folks, the long answer to the question everyone asks a new mother.

"How are you guys doing?"

and my obviously reply,

"Oh good, just trying to find our groove." SEE ABOVE FOR WHAT I REALLY MEAN.

But really, I mean all that. Ha!  It's definitely a tough adjustment.  We DO have a lot going on, most of it, just poor timing...it all happening all at once.  I'm just not one for facades.  And I'm sorry to any of you about to have a third child or contemplating a third child, I'm sure yours will be different :)

Just like everything though, I know it's a season.  And even though this particular season has me drowning a bit, and maybe crying every day, we'll survive.  Our "groove" is coming.  We have much to be thankful for, as always.  Even though it can be isolating, I know I'm not the first Mom to walk this road.  I keep chugging the caffeine, praying for patience, and wine, there's always wine.


**On a different note:  I am, somewhat frantically, looking for help with the kids before Gramma Frey leaves us for the winter (ahhhhhh, no!!!).  I need help with getting Elena to the Jackson Center on Mondays from 11:30-4:30 and with the boys on Tuesdays from 2:30-5:30.  A college student (education, nursing, therapy, etc) would be ideal but not required.  If you know of anyone who may be able to help, please let me know.  Thanks friends!

Welcome Baby!

I'm incredibly sleep deprived so bear with me if this seems a little all over the place.  But I have a spare couple minutes and wanted to share with you all that we welcomed our perfect, little baby last week.  

Let me introduce to you, Turner William Hinton.  He was born last Wednesday, August 17th at 2:30pm.  He was 8lbs 13oz and 21in of total cuteness.  Everyone is healthy but all desperately need sleep!  

Elena and Calvin were so excited to meet their new baby brother.  Calvin was all giggles meeting Turner, Elena a little more subdued.  But for good reason.  Elena came down with a stomach bug Wednesday night (great timing, right?) and was so, so sick that night and all day Thursday.  Gramma Frey took good care of her and we are all so thankful that she seems to be the only one who got the bug.  

We are all adjusting to life as a family of five.  Our days have been fairly routine but our nights have been much more lively with little Turner.  He is quickly reminding Chad and me what life is like with a newborn.  Funny, how quickly you forget the power of sleep deprivation!  Elena, thank goodness, has been sleeping much better....not sure we could handle soothing two little ones all night long.  

Today, Elena is back at school and Cal is at preschool....which means Turner and I are going to go take a nap!  I can't think anymore!

First Day Recap

Elena had a great first day of school!  Her bus was right on time.  Her outfit was adorable.  And Mom remembered everything needed to send!

It was a success until 2:30 when she was to get on the bus to go home.  I got the dreaded call from the teacher and I already knew.....she barfed.  Right before walking out to the bus, Elena threw up.  So, I headed over to the school to pick her up.  I felt terrible for her teachers and aides who had to clean up barf on the first day of school.

Her report for the day was great though.  She had fun, no tears and everything else went smoothly.

I did ok too!  Of course there were tears when I saw how big and adorable she looked in her first day outfit.  And when I wheeled her down to the bus.  And when she got on the bus.  And when the bus pulled out of the cul-de-sac.  And as I walked back into the house with just Calvin.  BUT!  I survived.  The phone was glued to my hip all day but I survived.

Now if we can just get through day 2 without any puke (at school)!