To Say There's A Lot Going On.....

You're going to hear me describe life as a blur, a whirlwind, straight chaos for the next few months.  So, my apologies.

The last three weeks have been just that.  In a matter of several days, we learned Elena needed surgery, scheduled surgery and ran all pre-op testing and approvals through.  Chad and I even managed to slip away to California for a few days, just a little calm before the storm.  But, it literally feels like I went to sleep on June 1st and woke up today, June 30th.  Something tells me I'll do the same tonight, and wake up July 31st.

First things first, Elena is doing great.  Which killllllllllllls us.  Like I think she's the happiest, silliest she's ever been.  She's doing awesome in all her therapies.  Her walking has been outstanding.  She's making new sounds, which impress us all, even her!  She's been eating (remember when I say eating, I mean just tastes of food) really well.  And, she's just so darn content, waking up squealing and going to bed squealing.  To know what lies ahead in the next week for her makes all of this, just heartbreaking.

I cry because she doesn't know what's coming.  I cry because all this progress and encouragement is going to stall, if not regress.  I cry because I remember how miserable she was last time.  I cry because all of this is outrageously unfair.  If I don't stop myself, it all becomes too much.

On top of all of this, we lost Chad's precious Grandma on Monday.  To say she was a big part of our family is an understatement.  Chad's family is very small, and very close and her loss, in addition to losing his Mom just months ago, has been tough to say the least.  She was so precious to all of us.  It's hard to imagine our family get-togethers without her there, running the show.  2016 is proving to be an unbelievably difficult year for us.  We have lost three integral parts of our family, Chad's Mom, my Grandma and now Chad's Grandma.  All three of these women have left gaping holes in our hearts, and we grieve every one of their losses in our lives.

And now we face another challenge in Elena's health.  I am doing all I can to keep my mind focused on the now and my heart trusting God in all this.  It's literally the only way I can fathom getting through everything.  I know each challenge in my life proves His faithfulness to me and helps polish my heart, refining me.  And I'm so thankful to have those promises and to know all of this isn't on my shoulders alone.  Without that knowledge, this would all be impossible and I no doubt would be maxed out with anxiety and fear.  Although I'm admittedly struggling, I do have peace and comfort that is keeping me afloat.

I feel all your prayers and am often overwhelmed by the support we have.  We are so appreciative to all of you who have reached out and offered help.  I have a very sweet friend who has graciously  set up a meal schedule for us, both after we return home from New Jersey and for when we have a baby in late August (uhhhh, sometimes I forget THAT IS happening).  I know several of you sweet people who read my blog have already reached out to me in that regard.  If you feel so inclined, you can contact my friend, Jenny (jennycurtiss@ymail.com), as she is officially the "Meal Master"! :)  You can also contact me and I can get you in touch with her.

Thanks to all of you lovely people who follow our journey (all the ups and most typically downs!).  I feel like this is life.  All our situations and circumstances are different but it's all hard in it's own regard.  This is our life, not necessarily the one we dreamed, but our life nonetheless.  It's filled with far more blessings than challenges but needless to say, the challenges prove quite challenging!  I so appreciate each of you who hold us in your heart and love and support our girl through her difficulties.  We could never express how much it all means.  I'll be sure to keep you updated in the next few weeks.  Just bear with me.  There's a very good chance I'm going to be a ball of emotions!

The sweetest girl there ever was....

It's Happening

Good news is, miraculously, in a matter of three days, we managed to get a surgery scheduled.  This is like seriously unprecedented.  Just the last time, it took like a thousand phone calls and follow up and like two weeks just to get assessed.  So, it's been so encouraging to us to have things already "work" out in a matter of days.  Prayers answered.

Her surgery is scheduled for July 8th, which is even more bittersweet because her 5th birthday happens to be July 9th.  Some birthday, huh?  Our precious little girl has endured so much in her five years, it just breaks my heart to add another one to the list, especially on her birthday.  We are relieved that things are set and we can address her hip before things get worse but using the word "bittersweet" just doesn't do what I'm feeling justice.  It's hard to describe heartbreak and gratitude in the same breath.

For now, we are doing what we can to keep her hip stable and save it from further damage.  This includes bracing her, increasing meds to keep her muscles relaxed and keeping her hip in an "in-the-socket position".  Currently, she is scheduled for a more invasive procedure than she received last time due to the severity of her dislocation.  This, obviously, adds to the uncertainty and stress.  We are fervently praying and asking everyone we know to pray that, upon her examination in New Jersey, that she won't end up needing the more invasive (ie more painful, more terrible) procedure.  I'd also like to ask you all to pray for me and baby.  It's an incredibly stressful time and I'm doing my best to remind myself that I can't be 110% right now, that my health and baby's health are vital to this all going as smoothly as possible.  I'll be 33-34 weeks pregnant at surgery, so prayers that baby and I remain healthy for all this are critical too.  Lastly, please pray for continuity and ease in getting all necessary insurance approvals and medical clearance taken care of in this short amount of time.  This can often be a nightmare and the WORST part of this situation.  So prayers for all this to be as smooth as possible are a necessity.

Thanks to all who have reached out, been praying and offered help in the last week.  We are doing our best to stay calm, plan accordingly and most of all, trust that all this sits firmly in God's hands.  So much of this is far beyond any control we want to place over the situation, and trusting Him is the only option.

"The way we deal with uncertainty says a lot about whether Jesus is ahead of us leading, or behind us just carrying our stuff." -Bob Goff

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved." -Psalm 55:22

A Lotta Good & A Lotta Prayer

We've hit the ground running this week.  The past two weeks have been such a nice reprieve.  We actually had play dates, and zoo dates, and let's do whatever we want days.  Which for us, never happens.  We were busy but good busy, not run around from appointment to appointment busy, which was a great change of pace.  This week, back to reality.  Summer schedule is in full swing.

I want to first say thank you to all the kind messages I received on my last post.  It was actually a really great response, which I appreciated.  Typically when I have any kind of "I'm struggling....this is sad...life stinks sometimes" posts, I (really, Chad) get flooded with concerned responses and people thinking I've gone off the deep end.  And while knowing that people love and are concerned for us is nice, that's not always the most helpful response.  I received several notes from wonderful people just saying, "me, too" (which fellow Traders Pointers can appreciate!).  I can't tell you how much I appreciate when people share their experiences with me and come along side me to tell me they struggle with similar things too....even if their life situation is totally different.  It makes me feel like I'm not out on crazy island, there's others there too! :)

So, thank you!  Thanks for understanding that this blog isn't about how grand life is or that I'm always Positive Polly and just want to share my ups.  To me, this is my life..the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.  No false pretenses here, folks.  You get me in all my honest, over sharing! :)

Another giant thank you is needed for all you wonderful people who continue to follow our family.  An amazing, nearly $5,000 was raised by all you generous folks for Elena's Walking for Dreams.  FIVE THHHHHH-OUSAND dollars!  Our family could never thank you all enough for your generosity in supporting Elena and the people who bring our family hope.  So a giant hug to all of you who donated on behalf of our girl.  You're all awesome.

Elena finished up her spring swimming program last weekend, which I explained was why we couldn't actually participate in the walking part of Walking for Dreams.  I promised you all a video of how much she loved swimming.  And of course, since I promised, Elena decided to only perform a fraction of the excitement when Dad pulled out his camera to capture it for me.  So, below is a video of a semi-excited Elena swimming.  You'll have to turn up the sound to hear her squeals and it's a little dark, but you'll get the idea.  Good news is, she starts swimming again today with her PT and OT from school for the summer.  She did this the past two summers and loves it equally as much.  We are so glad she is able to do things she loves!

And to round out these random thoughts I'm sharing with you today, I must end with a giant, huge, enormous prayer request.  My apologies in advance for the somewhat vague-ness of the following prayer request...I just don't have a ton of information right now so will be sharing with you as it becomes clear to us.

We suffered a major setback with Elena this week.  You may remember that she had to have surgery on her left hip back in November 2014.  It was pretty terrible.  But even though we had to travel to New Jersey for the surgery, it was way less terrible than the alternative surgery recommended to us.  Well, her right hip has suddenly...and I mean SUDDENLY....entered the we-need-surgery-immediately phase.  As you can imagine, surgery on your child is always dreadful and then you sprinkle in the fact that I'm having a baby in a little more than two months, Elena's to start Kindergarten exactly two months and the timing of all this just couldn't be more awful.....we need major prayers.  I've had my major Mom freak out already and have been praying fervently for peace, calm, peace, calm and more peace and calm.  These things are always a thousand moving parts and I just don't know how this one is going to turn out.  But, I know it's in my Father's hands and per usual He is in control (not me).  So just keep our baby girl on your prayer list.  Pray that her hip can "hang steady" and not worsen before we can figure all this out.  Pray for Chad and I to be calm in the midst of a thousand reasons to panic.  And pray for the doctors, insurance, travel details to all be worked out (this always tends to be the miraculous part).

As I said, we don't really have any other information besides her hip needs surgery and that there's one doctor in the world who we trust with it.  Everything else is up in the air.

We so appreciate all your love and prayers.  I'll let you know if/when things change.  In the meantime, I'll be alternating between phone calls and prayers.

xox
Emmalee

It's a Brutiful Day

You guys know I like to keep it real with you.  I like to assure every one around me that life ain't roses and butterflies all the time.  And if you pretend like it is, well newsflash, we ALL know better.  In our situation, there are a lot of days where I'm not ok with things.  I struggle.  I cry (this we all know, obviously).  I wish more than anything in the history of all wishes that things were different.  Well, last night (and today) was one of those nights.

Perhaps it was the sheer exhaustion of a day with a five year old and two year old.  Perhaps it was my lack of ability to decompress with a glass (or four...keeping it real ya'll) of wine these days.  Perhaps it's that today is Elena's last day of preschool forever and she's getting so tall, pretty and losing all her baby-ness.  Perhaps it's that I'm pregnant and hormonal and emotional and hot (warning, long summer ahead) and that my back hurts like the dickens all day every day and that I have a true love for run-on sentences....but man, I had to have a moment last night (and all day so far today!).

I just get so sad sometimes thinking about all that Elena has to sit by and watch around her.  And no, this doesn't mean I'm not incredibly aware and grateful for all we have been blessed with (which Chad was quick to point out already).  But, sometimes I can't help but just be overtaken by a profound sadness.

My sweet, happy girl sits in her stroller next to Mom while all the neighborhood kids play together and splash around in our oh, so awesome blow up pool.  It stings.  She can't fully participate in the Field Day activities at school (even though they do their very best to include her) because her stander can't roll through the grass or she can't lift her arms to carry something in the relay race.  The pictures of it are little daggers in my soul.  She can't hide and chase her Daddy through the house, giggling and squealing like her little brother does.  I love watching Cal do it, but watching Elena as this occurs breaks my heart.  She can't see the silly dance moves of her Mom and Dad to laugh at during our many all family dance parties. There are literally hundreds of moments each and every day that make my heart break.

Then there is the guilt.  The guilt that I should do more, give her more, engage her more, always more.  And the reality of just being a Mom with another two year old and eventually a newborn is crushing because I know there's less and less time for more of anything with her.  For most kids, that's ok.  But Elena requires more of everything, that's just the nature of a having a child with special needs.  I constantly fight myself internally on what I should be doing with her, what I need to be doing with her.  There's the guilt of what I do with Calvin that I can't do with her.  There are hundreds of these moments, too, each and every day.

When I have days where the sadness and guilt rise up in me, sometimes it's just too much.  My heart hurts for my best girl and my heart hurts for our family.  Everything will be more difficult.  Everything will require more.  Everything will likely have some element of sadness and guilt to it.  There's a fear of how we will do things in the future.  That's just the truth of the matter.

I know there's a whole other side to this.  A side of light and happiness and faith and blessings.  But, just to keep it real you guys, there's always this side too.  I don't always write about it.  I don't like these moments, days.  Honestly, I don't always feel it.  But, it is always there.  The heartbreak always lies there somewhere.  And blame it on the bevvy of reasons listed above, I'm feeling it.

As one of my faves, Glennon Melton of Momastery, says...."Life is brutiful.  It's brutal and beautiful woven so tightly together, they can't be separated."

Oh my heart, she's just the most beautiful girl I ever could imagine.

Walking for Dreams Update

Oh my goodness, every year I am SOOO humbled by each of you who lend your support and donate to the Jackson Center fundraiser, Walking for Dreams.  This year is no different.  I am touched by every single one of you and could never say thank you enough for supporting our girl.  I could never fully express what the Jackson Center has done for Elena and the progress she has achieved there.  Knowing that you all are behind her, cheering for her, well, there's just no words for it.  It literally means the world.  

I will give a disclaimer and let you know that we are unable to actually "walk" this year at the event.  But for good reason!  Elena has been participating in a swimming program through a local foundation on Sunday afternoons.  And when I say that she loves it, I mean she loves it more than anything we have ever seen her do before.  Chad and I had to make the executive decision to let her swim this weekend, since she only has a few sessions left.  Just to prove it to you all, we'll take a video of her in action this Sunday so you can see just how much this girl lets loose when she's in the water.  It's pretty great!

That being said, walking or not, the money still goes straight to Elena's therapies at the Jackson Center and we sincerely appreciate every cent!  Not only that, but to all of you who just lend your words of support and prayer to us, means just as much.  Our girl may never know fully how many people love her and cheer for her, but gosh, we do and it is everything.

To donate:

https://www.walkingfordreams.org/Donate.aspx

 Under Credit my Donation to, Select "Individual Walker", scroll through and select Hinton, Elena.

Or you can mail a check to the Jackson Center

802 Samuel Moore Pkway
Mooresville, IN 46158

(Just designate Elena Hinton in the memo section)

Love you all!

Coast to Coast

Man, it feels good to be back home again!  The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind.  We have literally been from coast to coast.  This week we are finally settling back into our normal routine.

Two weeks ago, Chad and I got a little break and spent several days in San Diego for a friend's wedding.  I realllllly needed a pause in my normal every day routine and it was great to spend some time without the kids.  We had a great time exploring the area and spent some quality time with our good friends who we only see a couple times a year.  What a great trip!

The Pacific!

A hike through Torrey Pines State Park was beeeeeeautiful!

We returned on Sunday, unpacked and repacked, leaving Wednesday for Florida.  It was a little more chaotic since we took the kids, which is always an adventure when flying.  But, we were going to celebrate Chad's Mom, Sharlene, who passed away in December.  May 5th was her birthday and we celebrated her life that day by returning her ashes to the most beautiful place that she loved.  All of Chad's family was able to be there and it was really special.

Sharlene had lived in Florida and being back there, (a place we had visited often) meant feeling a very palpable hole without her there.  We miss her dearly but were so privileged to not only get to honor her wishes, but remember her when she was full of life in the place she loved most, with the people she loved most.

Boat Babe

He now wants to drive everythinggggg.

The beautiful sandbar on a perfect day.

Our wild crew :)

The next couple weeks don't slow down any with the last day of school, Memorial Day weekend and lots to do in between.  I'm telling you, this summer is going to fly by!  Ahhh, time slow down!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you Moms, Mom-to-be's, Heavenly Moms and Mom's of angel babies!  No matter how you are celebrating today, we all have someone we can thank in our life for influencing us in only the way that a mother can.

I'm thankful for my own Mom who is as selfless as they come.  She is my best friend and I could never make it as a Mom/human without her.  My heart breaks for her today as she has to endure her first Mother's Day without her own best friend, her Mom.  There is a gaping hole in my heart today thinking about my Granny.  I grieve, too, thinking about my dear Chad, who is without his Mom today.  My Mother-in-Law, Sharlene and my Granny have been on my mind, thinking about their contributions in my own life.  I'm so fortunate to have been surrounded by strong women who have no doubt helped shape me into who I am today.

Though certainly a bittersweet day this year, my heart is full thinking of my own sweet babies.  Elena and Cal have made my life more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.  I'm thinking of our tiniest blessing today, too.  This little life I'm carrying will change our lives come August and I couldn't be more thankful for my healthy pregnancy.  Being a Mom has definitely been the most challenging journey imaginable.  I think back to being pregnant with Elena, excited to start our family and giggle at my own naivete.  To think that being a Mom would be like the pictures we all see on social media or in the movies is the greatest joke of all.  No, this is hard.  It requires a patience level that is off the charts, responsibility I never could have imagined, a selflessness that made my 27-year-old self cringe, an iron stomach to endure the poop, pee, spit, vomit and every other bodily fluid that covers me and my house on a daily basis, and every other thing that smacks you upside the head the minute your baby enters this world.  But, I also could have never prepared my heart for the level of love you feel for your children, or how your heart instantly doubles in capacity when your second child is born, or how all the difficult things that come with being a Mom can melt away with a simple hug and an "I love you".  No, no picture could ever quite capture what being a Mom does to you.  But, I'm incredibly content with my imperfect, un-social media worthy life.

There's no one like your Mother.  I'm grateful for mine and I'm grateful to be one, today and every day.

Happy Mother's Day!

 And just to keep it real (what family pictures really look like, am I right Moms??!)