The Past, The Future

I was anticipating this.  The past is again coming alive.  I knew when Calvin would arrive, we would be flooded with memories of when Elena was born.  And it's happening.  And it's just as hard as imagined it would be.

Cal is starting to smile, coo, "get busy", all the things that Elena used to do before her injury.  He looks so much like her, it's hard not to remember our sweet little girl that way.  I found a slew of pictures from my old phone on my computer this morning and they really hit me hard.  They were of Elena, those short four months we had her that way.  But, they were also pictures of Elena at Riley, covered in wires and tubes, her swollen little face.  Those days are fresh in my memory.  They partly feel like a dream, but only they're much too vivid.  We lived minute to minute, hour to hour those days.  I honestly feel like I remember every minute from that first phone call to the day we left.  We had no idea what we were facing when we walked out of the hospital.  No idea.

Then I found the videos.  She was chatty, smiley, giggly, holding her hands together, looking Mommy right in the eyes, our ridiculously happy baby girl (and all the things I took for granted).  I remember watching the same video of Elena at least twenty times a day in the hospital.  I remember wondering if she would ever be that girl again.  I can't even begin to explain the sadness that fills my heart when I watch those old videos.  There are still so many why's and what ifs.  The people in those videos are gone, replaced by a different Elena, a different Emmalee and a different Chad.  

The last few weeks have been difficult. There's nothing new really, it just seems like we've had to face the future a little bit more lately, and that pretty difficult.   We're having to face that Elena isn't just a baby anymore.  She is growing up.  And when you're a parent of a child with severe disabilities, growing up is scary.  I'm planning on sending my little Elena to school in August.  I'm afraid of what it will be like for her.  How will the other kids treat her?  Will she have friends?  Will she be scared?  Will she be getting everything she needs?  We have to get Elena a new wheelchair.  Ugh, yes a wheelchair.  To even think about my baby in a wheelchair is such a punch to the gut.  I could barely endure even looking at the different models without having an emotional breakdown.  We are worried about her muscle tone, her hip, her head growth, her vision, her reflux and the list goes on and on.  I've never been a worrier and lately, the worry just feels never ending.

I found myself this morning longing for the days before all the worry and heartache.  I wanted to go back to the day I took that sweet video of Elena and soak up every minute of it.  I can't help but long for that little girl and wonder what she'd be doing today, what she would be like.  There's so many reminders of the past and so much we're facing in the future, it's been hard lately to live in the present.  I just want to enjoy seeing Cal change and grow without having to endure the sadness of knowing he's going to achieve things Elena never will.  I want to live in the present and forget the rest.  I knew this was coming and that it would be a challenge for me.  I'm just praying that like anything else, that we will get through it.  It's just an adjustment, just a phase.  But geez, this one hurts.

    

 

Slowed Down Summer?

So much for our "slowed down" summer!  June is nearly over and it hardly feels like we've had any break.  Our typical Jackson Center/Mother's Day Out days so far have been filled up with appointments and busy days.  It's hard to remember how we used to fit everything in!  Elena has only three weeks left of First Steps before she transitions out into private therapy.  Eek!  How is my baby going to be 3?!

Right now life is all about getting to the next transition.  I keep thinking once we get there, things will slow down but inevitably....they don't!  There are always big decisions to make, health issues to manage and appointments to fit in.  It can all be pretty overwhelming, especially when I'm sleep deprived and I feel like my brain is operating at 30% function!  Thankfully, Chad is great at taking things off my plate and assuming the reigns.  I honestly would lose my mind without him.  He's so patient (when I lose mine).  He never complains (when I'm a ball of complaints).  He rarely has time to himself between working all day and then rushing home to relieve me.  He is such an amazing Daddy.  Elena lights up when she hears him come home from work.  Chad works incredibly hard at his job and works even harder to be the best husband and Daddy.  We are so lucky to have him and we love him SO much!

He celebrated Father's Day last weekend by doing all of the above.  I was able to get away last weekend to celebrate one of my best friend's birthdays in Louisville.  He did have to call in back-up in his Dad and Step-Mom to help, but I was able to get away without fear of our house falling apart!  But, I was thankful for much needed girlfriend time and 24 hours without a crying baby.  And for the record, as soon as I got home, I released him to the golf course :)

Before I wrap up this post, I guess I should mention our other child!  Cal is doing well.  Just when I was hitting rock bottom trying to get him on a consistent schedule and doing everything humanly possible to get him to sleep longer than 3 hour stretches at night, he seemed to finally get the hang of it.  Thankfully, we have had several good days and nights in a row, where he actually naps longer than 20 minutes and has slept 5-6 hours consecutively at night.  I'm hoping it's here to stay!  He is as cute as can be, looking exactly like his Daddy.  In the last week, he's showed us his sweet dimpled smile. I had forgotten how quickly they change at this age and how fun it is to watch them develop.  I think we'll keep him :)

Scars & All

A few things have happened in the last couple weeks that have had me flashing back to the more difficult memories we've endured in the last three years.  I can remember that awful feeling, being in the thick of heartache, not knowing if I would ever get through it.  It's been a reminder to me of just how far we've come as individuals and as a family.

We still bear scars.  My heart still aches for Elena each and every day.  Chad and I often wonder what our life will look like 5, 10, 15 years from now.  Fear still creeps in, tears still fill up my eyes.  I would still give anything to go back and change things.  And even though the scars will remain perhaps forever, they have made me stronger.  They have made me more grateful.  Happier.

Not a week goes by that we don't feel the blessing of someone sharing how our little Elena has inspired them.  I am always humbled to know that my daughter, my precious baby, has touched the life of someone.  I can't explain to you what that means as a parent.  Our Elena and her story, is making a difference in the world.

We'll never know why this happened to us, why we had to endure this.  Just because we expect life to be a certain way, doesn't mean it always turns out that way.  But perhaps you'll be the better for it or that you'll receive blessings tenfold.  If we would have never had to endure this painful life trial, who knows how our lives would've turned up.  And even though the scars are still there, we've come through.  Life can still be awfully sweet, scars and all.

My sweet peas.

One Month!

I blinked and Calvin turned a month old!  We celebrated Cal's one month birthday with the obligatory monthly photo.

This kid is nuts.  He's so completely different than his sister that it feels like we're first time parents again!  It's funny how two kids can come from the same parents, yet be soooo different.  We're working hard to figure him out all the while Elena is happy as can be!  She does a good job of taking it easy on Mom (most the time!) so I can handle all the squawking that Calvin does.   :)

We had a great Memorial Day weekend.  Saturday, we attended the annual Frey "hogroast".  This year was the 8th anniversary of the beginning of Chad and my's relationship.  Boy, things have changed quite a bit in the past 8 years!  Never imagined we'd be toting two kids, a stroller and a giant diaper bag to the party!  Goodness!

Chad enjoyed going to the race on Sunday, while I held down the home front (kind of!).  And yesterday, we barbecued with some friends and relaxed a bit.  It's hard to believe summer is finally here!

We're going to enjoy some free time in June, which I'm very much looking forward to.  My taxi service is going to get a break...ha!  Elena is on break from the Jackson Center until August.  She also had her last day of "school" last Friday.  She has loved going to the Mother's Day Out program for the last two years.  It's given us both a nice break from each other!  So, we're looking to a couple free days a week this month...bring on the pool time!

Elena's last day of school

Happy Summer time!

All tuckered out on Memorial Day

A Little Busy

Needless to say, my blogging has suffered a wee bit since Calvin arrived.  I'll try and catch you all up a bit!

The first few weeks haven't been too bad.  I think I had prepared myself mentally for insanity, so it's been a pleasant surprise that I haven't yet lost my mind.....(yet being the key word).  Two is quite a bit more hectic.  I've had a few moments of the aforementioned insanity, but mostly it's just a lot of juggling.  I'd say the most difficult aspect is going places by myself with both.  It poses a major challenge carrying two kids.  I usually give Elena a pep talk about holding onto Mommy (which really means nothing), say a quick prayer that I don't drop either kid, pick up Calvin's carseat and make a mad dash, smiling and pretending not to see the worry in all the faces I pass.  The silver lining is that I should be sporting some serious biceps by the fall!

A huge answer to prayer has been the ease of planning the transition for Elena into preschool. Our school district has been amazing.  It has been FAR less stressful than I had imagined.  I'm so excited about Elena's teacher and her education plan for the fall.  I know that moving all the way out here to the 'burbs was truly the best decision we've made.  How God has orchestrated the rest, our new house, our old house, the keeping of our old therapists from First Steps, has been nothing short of divine.  The last year of our lives has been a serious testament to faith.  We've trusted that God would work out all the details in preparing a place where Elena would be able to thrive, both at home and at school, and seriously, it all couldn't have worked out better.  Sure, there was stress and doubt along the way but looking back, it's been such an seamless transition for us all.  Chad and I both feel like we are exactly where we need to be.  And we are SO, SO thankful for it all.

Elena, in the meantime, has been killin' it.  She has had such a big bump in progress in the last couple months.  Chad and I both have recognized how present she is and how much she is really understanding.  I'm not sure what to attribute it all to, but we are so excited about our growing girl.  I think school this fall is going to be so great for her.  She's going to be exposed to a whole new environment.  In addition to school and the Jackson Center, we are excited about all the things Elena is going to learn from Cal too.  Laney & Cal are going to make a great little duo :)

Our hearts are so full right now.  I try to remind myself every day that even though our family has been through so much, enduring so many dark days, God has continued to pile on the blessings.  We clung to our faith and He remained faithful.  I hope that it's a reminder to any of you who are facing a terrible life trial that seems like you'll never make it through, that you will, and your life will be blessed because of it.

Here is a video of Elena from therapy the other day.  We've been working on sounds.  She was purposefully saying "ma" back to her PT, when she asked.  What's more exciting to us than just saying "ma", is that Elena was following instructions!  We are so proud of our girl!!

 My boys...Daddy & Cal

My sweet little gal with Mommy on Mother's Day.

Introducing.....

the newest member of our family, Calvin Merrick Hinton!



My doctor called me last Thursday to say ask if it was ok to move up my induction date to Saturday and I said....Heck YES!  So, we went in on Saturday mid-morning and Calvin arrived Saturday evening at 6:44pm.  And I'm certainly happy I didn't wait another week to be induced because Calvin weighed in at 9lbs 7oz and 21 3/4" long.  He definitely didn't need another week of gaining weight :)

We are all doing great.  He reminds us so much of Elena when she was born, except he's not quite as laid back as she was, but we can't complain.  He's healthy and sweet and we love him to pieces.  Babies are such little miracles and we are still in awe that God blessed us with this little guy.  The Hinton's are now a family of four!

Both Elena & Calvin are pretty unsure

 The Hinton's

Elena holding her little brother!

I think they look pretty similar, both have tons of hair and chubby little cheeks (Calvin is the first, Elena the second).

                                                             

Easter

I wanted to share the few pictures from Easter (before we all came down with the stomach bug!)....

 Last family photo of us three!

 Elena and Great Granny Velma

 Daddy and Elena

Uncle Aaron & Elena (sporting some cool shades from Great Aunt Ginger & Uncle Bruce!)