The Possibilities Are Endless....

A couple months ago I blogged about our frustrations surrounding Elena's communication system and some of the struggles we had been dealing with.  We've been praying and praying about it for months.  Let me just share with you how faithful God has been.

Elena has had a communication system in place, as she is non-verbal.  Non-verbal doesn't mean she doesn't make sounds, it just means she is unable to form her sounds into words.  So, nearly two years ago we began meeting with a therapist who helped us identify a system to help Elena communicate both at school and at home.  It's incredibly complex, both for us and for Elena.  To simplify, she's had to learn vocabulary words and memorize a specific order of these words.  A pretty tough task for anyone, let alone a four/five year old.  

She has proved herself and her ability to handle this, which is incredibly promising, it has just never felt like the most practical or opportunistic system for her.  She was still only being given choices, not the ability for her to say whatever she was thinking, not to mention it was a slow process and difficult to use in a classroom and home setting.  It worked best when Elena was isolated and could really focus on the task.  Not exactly the picture of our home life or even the Kindergarten class.  

So, we began to pray.  We asked all of you to pray for a breakthrough of some kind.  

About a month ago, Chad was meeting with a client and they began discussing Elena and this issue.  It just happened that this client's sister was an Adaptive Communication Device Sales Rep.  After getting her on the phone, she and Chad connected that she was already familiar with Elena, as she had evaluated her at school the previous year to try out different pieces of equipment.  What are the chances?!  She mentioned she had recently had success with a device on a few kids with similar issues to Elena.  

A couple weeks ago, we all met at school to test it out.  And so here we are, the next couple months we are trialing out a new communication system.  One that gives Elena the ability to choose her words and has the potential to give HER the power of communicating.  I have SO MUCH HOPE riding on this.  

This has been another example of God's faithfulness in Elena's journey.  We know how capable Elena is.  We believe we have barely begun to tap into her little mind and all that is possible with her.  I can't express to you what it would mean if she were able to "talk" with us.  Just the very thought of it makes my heart sing.  

So, I ask that you continue to pray for our girl in this specific area.  If she shows promise and ability in the next few weeks with this new device, who knows what is possible.  Pray that she would be able to realize the opportunity she has with this device.  Pray that her teachers and therapists would help her navigate the new system with ease.  Pray that we would be able to work with her at home (in this craziness that is our reality!).  Pray that this would be THE catalyst that allows us to see into Elena's little mind and allow her to show us all she is capable of.  Oh, to know what she thinks!!

This is such a huge opportunity for all of us!  We so love all of you for your support and prayers!

xoxo
Emmalee

Walking For Dreams 2017

It's once again Walking for Dreams fundraising time for the Jackson Center.  We have be excited to raise money for this special place and for Elena's continued therapy over the past several years in 2016, 2015,  and 2014 .

Elena began therapy at the Jackson Center in August 2013.  We were still learning about her recovery and what would lie ahead.  This place came into our lives at just the right time.  It has supported us and pushed Elena to achieve more than we thought might be possible.  If you have followed my blog for awhile, you'll know how much the Jackson Center has meant to us.  And so many of you have been so generous and supportive.  When I think about all the the Jackson Center has done for our family over the years, the one thing that truly stands out to me is that:

They truly believe in the ABILITIES of every single child that walks through their doors.  Every child is pushed to achieve.  Every child is loved for exactly who they are.

I can't tell you how much this means.  We found the Jackson Center at a time where we had no idea what Elena what going to be able to achieve, or what she was capable of.  They welcomed us in, and we watched as our little girl began to thrive and has continued to excel over the past nearly four years.

They say it takes a village.  And in our case in takes a booming metropolis!  We wouldn't be where we are, Elena wouldn't be where she is, without all of you supporting us, loving us, praying for us.  And we couldn't have done it without our dear friends at the Jackson Center.

100% of your donation, no matter big or small, goes to help fund the incredible therapy Elena receives on a weekly basis.  There are two ways to donate:

• Donate online at www.walkingfordreams.org  
• Fill out the form.  Select "Individual Walker," then under "Walker" choose "Hinton, Elena."

• You may mail a check to the Jackson Center  – Walking for Dreams.
• Please be sure to include Elena's name in the memo line if you mail a check.  (802 Samuel Moore Pkwy., Mooresville, IN 46158)

Thank you, always, for your love and support of our family, and our sweet Elena.  

To read more about the Jackson Center and see pictures of Elena and her buddies, go to www.thejacksoncenter.org

Grief Bubbles

Grief bubbles.  It's what I call when out of nowhere, something reminds me of what we've been through with Elena or a life expectation that died that day in November.  You're trucking along, then bam! the tears well up, the lump in your throat forms and that familiar pain in your heart shoots through you.  Those familiar feelings bubble up to the surface.  Sometimes they last a few minutes, and sometimes they leave me aching the rest of the day.  Grief bubbles.  Five and half years later, I still have grief bubbles a couple times a week at the very least.  When they happen, I sometimes wonder if they will ever go away or if I will forever be reminded of the trauma of that day and the unexpected life path it set us on.

I've had a few more grief bubbles than normal lately.  I've been spring cleaning and I stumbled upon an entire "grief box" the other day.  It was box, that years ago, I dumped everything into.  I didn't know what to do with all the cards, pictures, hospital bracelets, pictures that our friends' kids drew her, things the Riley Cheer Guild gave us during our stay.   All of it in one box, all of it like a thousand knives into my heart at once.  Making it even more painful, was that at the bottom of the box were a different set of cards and mementos celebrating the birth and baptism of our perfectly healthy, beautiful baby girl.  Oh, if I could only go back in time.  I, too, found the book I had made of all our old CaringBridge posts and comments from all of you.  It was heartbreaking to relive those days, and even more heartbreaking to read the shock, fear and even naivete, how much our brains just couldn't process at the time.  Hi grief, terrible to see you again.

Other times, it's seeing a little girl in a tutu off to dance class or a mother and daughter together, giggling and holding hands.  Sometimes it is just talking to my own Mom, knowing the relationship she had with her Mom and that I have with her, our closeness, our friendship, realizing that it'll be different for Elena and me.  Planning family vacations, going out to dinner, school, figuring out which wheelchair to take where, therapy schedules, every day life, it's all a reminder of our circumstances and the challenges that we will always have.  

I mean I could rattle off a million things that leave me with that familiar sting.  If you've ever dealt with grief you know, it never goes away, you just grow accustomed to living with it.  And while I have come out of the dark consuming days of it, I'm coming to terms with knowing I'll have my grief bubbles forever.  They'll likely grow fewer and less often over time, but never cease.  I'm alright with that.  Even though they're terrible reminders of pain and hardship, I continue to be refined, gain perspective, understand gratitude and all the other hard earned tidbits of armor I've put on over the years.  Sometimes, I can even be thankful for the grief bubbles, they remind me of the fire I've been through, how resilient I am and the beauty that comes after it all.

It makes me think of a saying that we've heard a lot of over the years..."God never gives you more than you can handle."  I've put a lot of thought into that saying, as it always felt conflicting to me.  How could a loving God "give" me something so awful and heartbreaking, not only for me but for Elena?  Well, I've come to think that God doesn't "give" us the challenges.  Awful life stuff is a result of our decisions and imperfections.  What He does do, is promise to be there with you for every moment of it, steadfast, faithful, giving you the tools to navigate it.  I am resilient because of my faith.  I am grateful because He allowed me to see the blessings through it all.  I have perspective because He allowed my heart to forgive and let go of the bitterness.  All of the armor I have earned is a result of what I went through.  And though the grief will always reside in a piece of my heart, bubbling up at times, bringing me to my knees, I can endure.  

God Sent Me an Email

I rolled over this morning, grabbed my phone, checked my email in my normal first-thing-in-the-morning routine.  Because I'm so very important, I read the one new email I had received over night.  It was from my neighbor and friend, who happens to be an incredibly talented photographer.  

Last week we rounded up my crew to see what we could capture, mainly for Turner's six month pictures.  I dressed up the other kids just in case things were going smoothly enough to grab a couple shots of them.  

Turner's pictures were so cute, as six month old baby shots typically are.  

Calvin's were, well, what you capture when you tell a nearly three-year old to smile.  

But Elena's, my sweet Elena's.

What you don't see behind this picture is that the last six months have been an incredible challenge for me.  I have battled frustration, anxiety, fear and hopelessness with this precious one.  You see, she's my darling baby but can be my greatest challenge.  Every day can be a struggle.  I have not let myself appreciate this smile, unable to feel the joy that it brings to my heart.  I've been consumed, overwhelmed even, by the challenges of having a child who is visually, communicably and mobility impaired.  I have let the daily struggle overshadow the gift that she is.  

And then I wake up, to this.  Thank you, Jesus.  This is what He wanted to remind me.  This smile.  It is everything.  

 

My friends, I'll struggle every day until the day I die over what happened to my girl.  I'll struggle every day with the unique challenges our family faces as a result.  Every morning, it's a battle to suppress the fear and frustration.  But God has been so faithful, reminding me that she lived and her life is more precious to Him than I could ever imagine.  And that His presence, His love of her and me is constant, I'm not in this alone.  That amid the pain and struggle we face, there is always joy to be found, hope to grasp and Elena smiles to shine into my heart and into the world.    His blessings come when I least expect it, but when He knows I need them the most.  Our path is far from easy, but gosh, what shines through her, what she teaches me, the love I have for her is so worth it.  

My heart is so full this morning.  My beautiful girl.

Thank you, Chelsey, for capturing these.  I'm so grateful.  This smile is her gift, snaggletooth and all!  

(For the record, she lost that front tooth the very next morning!)

The Missing Piece

Hi Friends!  I'm alive.  Don't you worry about me!  

Actually, I have just returned from the land of the sun and grandparents.  I took off with Calvin and Turner last week (Elena stayed home with Dad because of school and work).  And it was awesome.  We went to go visit my parents and just had the best time.  Sunshine and grandparents seem to make the world go round.  Plus, my Mom is the greatest caregiver of all time so I enjoyed five days without cooking, laundry, cleaning and eating scraps (real meals, you guys!).  Pretty much heaven.  

It always helps, too, to escape the monotony of routine.  And we live on schedules and routine around here.  So it was great to shake that up a bit.  I was really able to focus on spending time with the little guys.  When I have all three, it can be so stressful and chaotic that I don't have time to stop and roll around on the floor with Turner or play golf with Calvin.  I did a lot of that last week and it felt really good, really happy.  

Things have been tough with Elena lately.  She hasn't really been her usual happy self and we've been frustrated and stressed trying to figure out what is going on.  Even though she's improved so much on the communication piece, it's still incredibly challenging to communicate with her, or rather have her communicate with us.  Having a child with special needs is like a giant puzzle.  We are constantly trying different things to see if they work, and trust me, there's always a piece that needs addressing.  Rarely do we have the chance to stop and feel like things are "together".  There is a constant battle between frustration, guilt and determination, one always replacing the other at different times.  Sometimes this happens by the hour, by the minute or by the week.  It's consuming.  So, when things aren't working just right, it's a scramble to triage what we need to focus on.  Then you realize you have two other kids who need you too.  It's been exhausting, which made my escape to Arizona all the better.  

I'm not hitting the panic button, nor should you.  I wouldn't say I'm more frazzled or drowning in children more than usual, but I do feel like we are approaching a crossroads with Elena.  We are constantly evaluating what we think is best for her, what her needs are, and how we can best address everything.  There is a stirring inside of me that feels like we are on the verge of something with her.  

We know that God has proven time and time again that He is able to do more than we could ever imagine, and I know that half the battle is just trusting Him and praying my way through it.  I'd like to ask all you prayer warriors out there to join me in praying big for our girl in the next few weeks.  We are desperate to have a breakthrough in communication with her.  We've been working on it for nearly two years, and to be honest, at times it's felt futile.  This is such a big piece of the puzzle.  Let's focus in on this and ask big.  

I'm so thankful for all of you!  

Confessions, Kids & Having it All Together (NOT!)

This blog began as an extension of Elena's CaringBridge site when she was hospitalized at Riley during her injury.  About a year later, people were still praying for us and asking about her.  As a result, I decided to start this blog to keep people informed about our girl, but also, as a way for me to document our journey.  I know I often say it, but it still humbles me every time I post and more than three people read it.  It means so much that people still care.  And it means even more that people can see their own struggles, life trials, reflected in my writing.  But, I'm going to make a little confession to kick off 2017 (19 days late, no less).  I've come to feel a bit of pressure when it comes to this blog. I don't always have something meaningful to share, and these days quite frankly, even if I do, finding the time to collect my thoughts and share it is, well, difficult.  Authenticity is a core value of mine, and I don't ever want to come off as portraying my life, Elena's life as anything other than what it is, in all it's brutality, beauty, ups and downs.  This blog means a great deal to me and I don't ever want it to feel like a burden.  So, I ask that you hang in there with our family during this crazy time.  I ask that you hang in there with me and MY craziness.  And most importantly, I ask that you hang in there with our girl.  When I think about where we started, how far we've come, and where she is today, I honestly don't know whether to cry tears of joy or tears of heartache, both probably.  There's still so much to her journey that I want to share with you all.  So just bear with me while I'm finding my way out of the trenches of motherhood.

While I'm confessing, this being a Mom thing is really H-A-R-D.  I read Baby Wise before becoming a Mom, thinking that getting a baby to sleep through the night was hard.  There was no chapter titled, "After Sleeping Through the Night and Everything After-IS INSANELY HARD".  That chapter I would have definitely read and taken notes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm ridiculously blessed and love this precious family of mine.  However, my current days aren't spent, watching with sentimental tears in my eyes, as my potty training two year old poops his pants for the third time, all the while he asks "why?" to every word that comes from my mouth.  I'm not in awe (well, I kind of am) at the amount of spit up I find myself covered in at the end of the day.  When Elena is melting down of an evening after an exhausting day, I want to join in with my own tears, sit in a quiet room and watch my favorite show like she does.  No rest for the weary in this house.  It's followed up by one or all three kids waking up at some point at night, waking in the morning to my FitBit telling me what I already know, I'm tired.

The moral of this story folks is, don't have kids...haha just kidding (kind of).  But really, I'm in a tough stretch of life, much like many of you.  It may look the same or your life circumstances may look totally different, but you still are finding it H-A-R-D.  There's so much comfort for me in that though.  It's what makes us all human, our imperfections, our shortcomings, our lives.  I know I'm not the only Mom out there tired of cleaning up poop, dealing with meltdowns, answering never-ending questions and tired beyond belief.  I'm not any more of a Super Mom than any of you.

In the last week or two while attempting to sort out the constant internal churning of emotion, some real, some purely hormonal, it occurred to me that THIS is a time for me to be honest in my struggles.  I mean I'm typically honest in my struggles (read the last five years) but I think there needs to be more keeping it real with people.  I sat down with a friend the other day who proceeded to blurt out a major bomb that went off in her life.  She texted me later, perhaps feeling a little sheepish for sharing so much, and apologized explaining she was going to wait to share it all with me until down the road when things were a bit tidier.  Honestly, it broke my heart to think that anyone has to feel they need to tidy up their current problems before presenting them to a friend or anyone for that matter.  You guys, I don't care who you are, we all are going through shit (excuse my language, emphasizing a point here).  Deep, hard, tough, gritty, ugly life shit.  We can't keep pretending that we have it all together.  I have bared my soul to a few dear friends and family at times, and I'm sure it was pathetic and ugly.  I probably felt foolish at times, but you know what....they still love me.  And they cried with me.  And the prayed with me.  And they gave me the most beautiful nuggets of hope and love.  Soul-baring honesty can be so hard, but if I have learned anything in the last few years, its that without it, trust and each other, none of us would last a second in this world.

So, yes.  I've made it clear.  I'm on the Mom-struggle-bus over here.  We are in survival mode and I'm doing my best to dig this old girl named Emmalee I used to know out of the trenches and hose her down (she's currently covered in spit up, snot and maybe even kid-poop).  But at least you guys can know I'm keeping it real.  It's real messy over here.  I love every one of you who I've cried to and have responded with a "me, too".  We are ALL in this together.  The more compassion we can have for one another, the more kindness we can extend, the more grace we can give others who are deep in the mire, the more love we can shower those who are hurting, the better we will all be.  I love you friends, thanks for sticking by me and our girl.

Seriously, I'm going to shower!

Goodbye, 2016

I'm not one of those people who really enjoys New Year's Eve.  I hate staying up late.  And I prefer sweatpants and wine to a sequined party dress and heels.  But, I do appreciate the reflection the end of a year brings and the anticipation of what the new year will bring.  Boy, do I hope for a fresh new year.

To say 2016 has been a challenging one would be an understatement.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever look back upon a year and say, meh....that one was easy?  Doubtful.  My post last year began with "good riddance", so my track record doesn't look good.  This past year did have some highs (hooray baby and vacations!) but when I think back upon it, there were a lot of valleys. 

We welcomed 2016 by hosting a memorial service for Chad's Mom, who passed away last December after a long battle with breast cancer.  Valley.  About a month and half later, we lost my beloved Grandma.  Valley.  Spring brought warmer weather and lots of planning.  We began preparing for Elena to enter Kindergarten in the fall and booking spots in summer camps and therapies.  Being pregnant with #3, I had lots of high hopes for a fun summer enjoying the last times of our little family of four.  Ha!  Planning is an exercise in uselessness. 

Calvin turned TWO in April, which seemed so big at the time, but now he's SUCH a little boy.  These days, I find myself missing the squishy-ness and inability to ask "why" to everything I say.  Ha!

Chad and I had a lovely vacation at the end of April to San Diego, then turned around and took the family to Florida to return Sharlene (Chad's Mom) to the place she loved the most.  It was beautiful and serene and really the last moments of peace for our family for awhile.

At the beginning of June, we suddenly learned our summer plans were moot and instead, Elena would be having emergency surgery on her right hip.  June and July were a literal whirlwind.  Somewhere in there Chad and I were able to escape one last time to California for a trip before Elena's surgery.  Then, somewhat unexpectedly, we lost Chad's Grandma.  Another devastating blow to our families.  After that, I can't really recount what happened, because 10 weeks felt like 10 minutes.  Elena had surgery and her 5th birthday (laid up in a hospital bed, no less).  I had a birthday a few weeks later.  For the record, I still have no idea how old I am.  It's like that birthday didn't exist, because I'm certain I'm 31, only to do the math realizing I'm actually 32.  Minor details, people. 

We celebrated my Dad's 70th birthday, Chad and my 7th anniversary, Elena began Kindergarten and BOOM, then we had a baby.  One of the few true peaks this year, our little Turner William completed our precious family.  And we've all been stressed and sleep deprived since! September was sleepless and October wasn't much better.  Though my parents took all of us to spend a week together in Florida...peak! 

I'm sure something happened in November and a lot happened in December, though it was all too quick for me to remember.  And folks, here we are on December 31st....looking forward to all the plans, surprises and fun a new year is sure to bring. 

I know it's simply a season of life, but I can say with certainty 2016 was one of the harder years of my life.  It was hard physically, being pregnant.  It was hard mentally, because well, kids.  It was hard emotionally with all the loss our family endured.  It's been hard on relationships.  It's been exhausting.  Life can really just beat the dickens out of you sometimes.  I'll be the first to admit adjusting from two to three kids has been incredibly difficult.  I'm more tired and beat down than I ever thought one could be.  The holidays were wonderful but left me feeling frustrated that my exhaustion leaves me missing the present.  It's been so easy for me to forget to be thankful for my beautiful family and the joy they bring and only focus on the difficulty of it all.  It's easy to fall into the trap. 

But my darling, ever so patient, husband is so good to remind me of all the beauty that is our life.  Our health, our home, our family, our friends, our kids that make us laugh and make us cry, the grace, the love, the promise that, through it all, we are never alone.  I'm so thankful to be rooted in that promise.

I don't know what 2017 will bring.  No doubt it will be full of peaks and valleys, though I'm hoping for more peaks.  Life is busy and messy but, my prayer is for hope, love and kindness in the midst of it all. 

Happy New Year!