Grief Bubbles

Grief bubbles.  It's what I call when out of nowhere, something reminds me of what we've been through with Elena or a life expectation that died that day in November.  You're trucking along, then bam! the tears well up, the lump in your throat forms and that familiar pain in your heart shoots through you.  Those familiar feelings bubble up to the surface.  Sometimes they last a few minutes, and sometimes they leave me aching the rest of the day.  Grief bubbles.  Five and half years later, I still have grief bubbles a couple times a week at the very least.  When they happen, I sometimes wonder if they will ever go away or if I will forever be reminded of the trauma of that day and the unexpected life path it set us on.

I've had a few more grief bubbles than normal lately.  I've been spring cleaning and I stumbled upon an entire "grief box" the other day.  It was box, that years ago, I dumped everything into.  I didn't know what to do with all the cards, pictures, hospital bracelets, pictures that our friends' kids drew her, things the Riley Cheer Guild gave us during our stay.   All of it in one box, all of it like a thousand knives into my heart at once.  Making it even more painful, was that at the bottom of the box were a different set of cards and mementos celebrating the birth and baptism of our perfectly healthy, beautiful baby girl.  Oh, if I could only go back in time.  I, too, found the book I had made of all our old CaringBridge posts and comments from all of you.  It was heartbreaking to relive those days, and even more heartbreaking to read the shock, fear and even naivete, how much our brains just couldn't process at the time.  Hi grief, terrible to see you again.

Other times, it's seeing a little girl in a tutu off to dance class or a mother and daughter together, giggling and holding hands.  Sometimes it is just talking to my own Mom, knowing the relationship she had with her Mom and that I have with her, our closeness, our friendship, realizing that it'll be different for Elena and me.  Planning family vacations, going out to dinner, school, figuring out which wheelchair to take where, therapy schedules, every day life, it's all a reminder of our circumstances and the challenges that we will always have.  

I mean I could rattle off a million things that leave me with that familiar sting.  If you've ever dealt with grief you know, it never goes away, you just grow accustomed to living with it.  And while I have come out of the dark consuming days of it, I'm coming to terms with knowing I'll have my grief bubbles forever.  They'll likely grow fewer and less often over time, but never cease.  I'm alright with that.  Even though they're terrible reminders of pain and hardship, I continue to be refined, gain perspective, understand gratitude and all the other hard earned tidbits of armor I've put on over the years.  Sometimes, I can even be thankful for the grief bubbles, they remind me of the fire I've been through, how resilient I am and the beauty that comes after it all.

It makes me think of a saying that we've heard a lot of over the years..."God never gives you more than you can handle."  I've put a lot of thought into that saying, as it always felt conflicting to me.  How could a loving God "give" me something so awful and heartbreaking, not only for me but for Elena?  Well, I've come to think that God doesn't "give" us the challenges.  Awful life stuff is a result of our decisions and imperfections.  What He does do, is promise to be there with you for every moment of it, steadfast, faithful, giving you the tools to navigate it.  I am resilient because of my faith.  I am grateful because He allowed me to see the blessings through it all.  I have perspective because He allowed my heart to forgive and let go of the bitterness.  All of the armor I have earned is a result of what I went through.  And though the grief will always reside in a piece of my heart, bubbling up at times, bringing me to my knees, I can endure.  

God Sent Me an Email

I rolled over this morning, grabbed my phone, checked my email in my normal first-thing-in-the-morning routine.  Because I'm so very important, I read the one new email I had received over night.  It was from my neighbor and friend, who happens to be an incredibly talented photographer.  

Last week we rounded up my crew to see what we could capture, mainly for Turner's six month pictures.  I dressed up the other kids just in case things were going smoothly enough to grab a couple shots of them.  

Turner's pictures were so cute, as six month old baby shots typically are.  

Calvin's were, well, what you capture when you tell a nearly three-year old to smile.  

But Elena's, my sweet Elena's.

What you don't see behind this picture is that the last six months have been an incredible challenge for me.  I have battled frustration, anxiety, fear and hopelessness with this precious one.  You see, she's my darling baby but can be my greatest challenge.  Every day can be a struggle.  I have not let myself appreciate this smile, unable to feel the joy that it brings to my heart.  I've been consumed, overwhelmed even, by the challenges of having a child who is visually, communicably and mobility impaired.  I have let the daily struggle overshadow the gift that she is.  

And then I wake up, to this.  Thank you, Jesus.  This is what He wanted to remind me.  This smile.  It is everything.  

 

My friends, I'll struggle every day until the day I die over what happened to my girl.  I'll struggle every day with the unique challenges our family faces as a result.  Every morning, it's a battle to suppress the fear and frustration.  But God has been so faithful, reminding me that she lived and her life is more precious to Him than I could ever imagine.  And that His presence, His love of her and me is constant, I'm not in this alone.  That amid the pain and struggle we face, there is always joy to be found, hope to grasp and Elena smiles to shine into my heart and into the world.    His blessings come when I least expect it, but when He knows I need them the most.  Our path is far from easy, but gosh, what shines through her, what she teaches me, the love I have for her is so worth it.  

My heart is so full this morning.  My beautiful girl.

Thank you, Chelsey, for capturing these.  I'm so grateful.  This smile is her gift, snaggletooth and all!  

(For the record, she lost that front tooth the very next morning!)

The Missing Piece

Hi Friends!  I'm alive.  Don't you worry about me!  

Actually, I have just returned from the land of the sun and grandparents.  I took off with Calvin and Turner last week (Elena stayed home with Dad because of school and work).  And it was awesome.  We went to go visit my parents and just had the best time.  Sunshine and grandparents seem to make the world go round.  Plus, my Mom is the greatest caregiver of all time so I enjoyed five days without cooking, laundry, cleaning and eating scraps (real meals, you guys!).  Pretty much heaven.  

It always helps, too, to escape the monotony of routine.  And we live on schedules and routine around here.  So it was great to shake that up a bit.  I was really able to focus on spending time with the little guys.  When I have all three, it can be so stressful and chaotic that I don't have time to stop and roll around on the floor with Turner or play golf with Calvin.  I did a lot of that last week and it felt really good, really happy.  

Things have been tough with Elena lately.  She hasn't really been her usual happy self and we've been frustrated and stressed trying to figure out what is going on.  Even though she's improved so much on the communication piece, it's still incredibly challenging to communicate with her, or rather have her communicate with us.  Having a child with special needs is like a giant puzzle.  We are constantly trying different things to see if they work, and trust me, there's always a piece that needs addressing.  Rarely do we have the chance to stop and feel like things are "together".  There is a constant battle between frustration, guilt and determination, one always replacing the other at different times.  Sometimes this happens by the hour, by the minute or by the week.  It's consuming.  So, when things aren't working just right, it's a scramble to triage what we need to focus on.  Then you realize you have two other kids who need you too.  It's been exhausting, which made my escape to Arizona all the better.  

I'm not hitting the panic button, nor should you.  I wouldn't say I'm more frazzled or drowning in children more than usual, but I do feel like we are approaching a crossroads with Elena.  We are constantly evaluating what we think is best for her, what her needs are, and how we can best address everything.  There is a stirring inside of me that feels like we are on the verge of something with her.  

We know that God has proven time and time again that He is able to do more than we could ever imagine, and I know that half the battle is just trusting Him and praying my way through it.  I'd like to ask all you prayer warriors out there to join me in praying big for our girl in the next few weeks.  We are desperate to have a breakthrough in communication with her.  We've been working on it for nearly two years, and to be honest, at times it's felt futile.  This is such a big piece of the puzzle.  Let's focus in on this and ask big.  

I'm so thankful for all of you!  

Confessions, Kids & Having it All Together (NOT!)

This blog began as an extension of Elena's CaringBridge site when she was hospitalized at Riley during her injury.  About a year later, people were still praying for us and asking about her.  As a result, I decided to start this blog to keep people informed about our girl, but also, as a way for me to document our journey.  I know I often say it, but it still humbles me every time I post and more than three people read it.  It means so much that people still care.  And it means even more that people can see their own struggles, life trials, reflected in my writing.  But, I'm going to make a little confession to kick off 2017 (19 days late, no less).  I've come to feel a bit of pressure when it comes to this blog. I don't always have something meaningful to share, and these days quite frankly, even if I do, finding the time to collect my thoughts and share it is, well, difficult.  Authenticity is a core value of mine, and I don't ever want to come off as portraying my life, Elena's life as anything other than what it is, in all it's brutality, beauty, ups and downs.  This blog means a great deal to me and I don't ever want it to feel like a burden.  So, I ask that you hang in there with our family during this crazy time.  I ask that you hang in there with me and MY craziness.  And most importantly, I ask that you hang in there with our girl.  When I think about where we started, how far we've come, and where she is today, I honestly don't know whether to cry tears of joy or tears of heartache, both probably.  There's still so much to her journey that I want to share with you all.  So just bear with me while I'm finding my way out of the trenches of motherhood.

While I'm confessing, this being a Mom thing is really H-A-R-D.  I read Baby Wise before becoming a Mom, thinking that getting a baby to sleep through the night was hard.  There was no chapter titled, "After Sleeping Through the Night and Everything After-IS INSANELY HARD".  That chapter I would have definitely read and taken notes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm ridiculously blessed and love this precious family of mine.  However, my current days aren't spent, watching with sentimental tears in my eyes, as my potty training two year old poops his pants for the third time, all the while he asks "why?" to every word that comes from my mouth.  I'm not in awe (well, I kind of am) at the amount of spit up I find myself covered in at the end of the day.  When Elena is melting down of an evening after an exhausting day, I want to join in with my own tears, sit in a quiet room and watch my favorite show like she does.  No rest for the weary in this house.  It's followed up by one or all three kids waking up at some point at night, waking in the morning to my FitBit telling me what I already know, I'm tired.

The moral of this story folks is, don't have kids...haha just kidding (kind of).  But really, I'm in a tough stretch of life, much like many of you.  It may look the same or your life circumstances may look totally different, but you still are finding it H-A-R-D.  There's so much comfort for me in that though.  It's what makes us all human, our imperfections, our shortcomings, our lives.  I know I'm not the only Mom out there tired of cleaning up poop, dealing with meltdowns, answering never-ending questions and tired beyond belief.  I'm not any more of a Super Mom than any of you.

In the last week or two while attempting to sort out the constant internal churning of emotion, some real, some purely hormonal, it occurred to me that THIS is a time for me to be honest in my struggles.  I mean I'm typically honest in my struggles (read the last five years) but I think there needs to be more keeping it real with people.  I sat down with a friend the other day who proceeded to blurt out a major bomb that went off in her life.  She texted me later, perhaps feeling a little sheepish for sharing so much, and apologized explaining she was going to wait to share it all with me until down the road when things were a bit tidier.  Honestly, it broke my heart to think that anyone has to feel they need to tidy up their current problems before presenting them to a friend or anyone for that matter.  You guys, I don't care who you are, we all are going through shit (excuse my language, emphasizing a point here).  Deep, hard, tough, gritty, ugly life shit.  We can't keep pretending that we have it all together.  I have bared my soul to a few dear friends and family at times, and I'm sure it was pathetic and ugly.  I probably felt foolish at times, but you know what....they still love me.  And they cried with me.  And the prayed with me.  And they gave me the most beautiful nuggets of hope and love.  Soul-baring honesty can be so hard, but if I have learned anything in the last few years, its that without it, trust and each other, none of us would last a second in this world.

So, yes.  I've made it clear.  I'm on the Mom-struggle-bus over here.  We are in survival mode and I'm doing my best to dig this old girl named Emmalee I used to know out of the trenches and hose her down (she's currently covered in spit up, snot and maybe even kid-poop).  But at least you guys can know I'm keeping it real.  It's real messy over here.  I love every one of you who I've cried to and have responded with a "me, too".  We are ALL in this together.  The more compassion we can have for one another, the more kindness we can extend, the more grace we can give others who are deep in the mire, the more love we can shower those who are hurting, the better we will all be.  I love you friends, thanks for sticking by me and our girl.

Seriously, I'm going to shower!

Goodbye, 2016

I'm not one of those people who really enjoys New Year's Eve.  I hate staying up late.  And I prefer sweatpants and wine to a sequined party dress and heels.  But, I do appreciate the reflection the end of a year brings and the anticipation of what the new year will bring.  Boy, do I hope for a fresh new year.

To say 2016 has been a challenging one would be an understatement.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever look back upon a year and say, meh....that one was easy?  Doubtful.  My post last year began with "good riddance", so my track record doesn't look good.  This past year did have some highs (hooray baby and vacations!) but when I think back upon it, there were a lot of valleys. 

We welcomed 2016 by hosting a memorial service for Chad's Mom, who passed away last December after a long battle with breast cancer.  Valley.  About a month and half later, we lost my beloved Grandma.  Valley.  Spring brought warmer weather and lots of planning.  We began preparing for Elena to enter Kindergarten in the fall and booking spots in summer camps and therapies.  Being pregnant with #3, I had lots of high hopes for a fun summer enjoying the last times of our little family of four.  Ha!  Planning is an exercise in uselessness. 

Calvin turned TWO in April, which seemed so big at the time, but now he's SUCH a little boy.  These days, I find myself missing the squishy-ness and inability to ask "why" to everything I say.  Ha!

Chad and I had a lovely vacation at the end of April to San Diego, then turned around and took the family to Florida to return Sharlene (Chad's Mom) to the place she loved the most.  It was beautiful and serene and really the last moments of peace for our family for awhile.

At the beginning of June, we suddenly learned our summer plans were moot and instead, Elena would be having emergency surgery on her right hip.  June and July were a literal whirlwind.  Somewhere in there Chad and I were able to escape one last time to California for a trip before Elena's surgery.  Then, somewhat unexpectedly, we lost Chad's Grandma.  Another devastating blow to our families.  After that, I can't really recount what happened, because 10 weeks felt like 10 minutes.  Elena had surgery and her 5th birthday (laid up in a hospital bed, no less).  I had a birthday a few weeks later.  For the record, I still have no idea how old I am.  It's like that birthday didn't exist, because I'm certain I'm 31, only to do the math realizing I'm actually 32.  Minor details, people. 

We celebrated my Dad's 70th birthday, Chad and my 7th anniversary, Elena began Kindergarten and BOOM, then we had a baby.  One of the few true peaks this year, our little Turner William completed our precious family.  And we've all been stressed and sleep deprived since! September was sleepless and October wasn't much better.  Though my parents took all of us to spend a week together in Florida...peak! 

I'm sure something happened in November and a lot happened in December, though it was all too quick for me to remember.  And folks, here we are on December 31st....looking forward to all the plans, surprises and fun a new year is sure to bring. 

I know it's simply a season of life, but I can say with certainty 2016 was one of the harder years of my life.  It was hard physically, being pregnant.  It was hard mentally, because well, kids.  It was hard emotionally with all the loss our family endured.  It's been hard on relationships.  It's been exhausting.  Life can really just beat the dickens out of you sometimes.  I'll be the first to admit adjusting from two to three kids has been incredibly difficult.  I'm more tired and beat down than I ever thought one could be.  The holidays were wonderful but left me feeling frustrated that my exhaustion leaves me missing the present.  It's been so easy for me to forget to be thankful for my beautiful family and the joy they bring and only focus on the difficulty of it all.  It's easy to fall into the trap. 

But my darling, ever so patient, husband is so good to remind me of all the beauty that is our life.  Our health, our home, our family, our friends, our kids that make us laugh and make us cry, the grace, the love, the promise that, through it all, we are never alone.  I'm so thankful to be rooted in that promise.

I don't know what 2017 will bring.  No doubt it will be full of peaks and valleys, though I'm hoping for more peaks.  Life is busy and messy but, my prayer is for hope, love and kindness in the midst of it all. 

Happy New Year! 

Merry Christmas!

So December happened and I've found myself here on Christmas Eve!  I just wanted to wish all of you who follow our family the merriest of Christmases.  It is so easy to get caught up in the busyness of the season (myself included). But, I have had (brief!) peaceful moments to reflect upon the wonderful celebration that is Jesus' birth.  It's so much bigger than the tree, the baking, the shopping, the holiday traditions.  It's celebrating the day that the light pierced the darkness, the day that grace AND truth came into this world.  Hope arrived and the world is changed.

Merry Christmas to you all!  Enjoy making memories and celebrating with those you love the most!

Love,
The Hinton's

Hinton Status

It's been a long, good while since I've given any real update on the status of our family.  So, no deep thoughts here today folks, just thought I'd share a little bit about all three kiddos.

We'll start with the classic third kid...Turner or T-dawg, T-bug, T-bone as we lovingly refer to him around here.  This child is a dichotomy.  He's arguably the most content, sweet, smiley little thing, but at the same time I feel like he's been fussy and needy most his nearly four months.  He does go with the flow, as if he had a choice.  We're on the go almost always at least five out of the seven days a week, so he's in his car seat A LOT!  Of course, this means he's on an unpredictable schedule, which goes against every fiber of my being.  Schedule = Consistency = Predictability = Sleep = Good Life in my book.  Both Elena and Cal were rockstars in this category, Turner not so much.  Besides the schedule and lack of sleep, he's certainly the most expressive of our kiddos.  He smiles at ANYTHING.  It's great and so darn cute.  You may remember Cal "The Scowl"...it took every trick in the book to get him to smile.  Elena was so content but I had to use some good material for her too. Ha!  As far as tricks go, he's rolling all over the place, gives us the occasional giggle, and coos around the clock.  He's changing by the day and is just the cutest little thing.  I know a lot of people think he looks like Cal, and he does, but really he reminds me so much of Elena at that age.  His expressions, his eyes, his smile take me back to that short time we had with her then.  I'm starting to feel that familiar anxiety creep in like it did when Calvin was around this age.  Elena was injured six days before she was four months.  I remember with Cal, being so scared until that time period passed and I feel that familiar fear in my gut now as T starts to approach that age.  It's weird and unfounded, but I'll feel it for awhile longer (though it never really goes away).

Calvin is a two year old.  Some days he's great and fun and hilarious and other days he tests every fiber of my being.  Other than the emotional swings of toddler-hood, he's a pretty great kid.  He's sweet, funny, caring and polite.  He is my helper with both Elena and Turner and takes his role as brother very seriously.  He loves to read and has memorized several books on account of us reading them to him 5,278,902 times.  He loves puzzles, music, singing, dinosaurs, sports and school.  Pretty eclectic taste!  He requests Elton John's "Crocodile Rock" all. the. time. and demands Kidz Bop on all car rides (shoot me).  We often catch him singing songs to himself or sitting with a book "reading" out loud or to Elena.  "Gasketball", soccer, golf, football and "lollyball" are favorites around here, all of which make Dad beam with pride.  Though, it's the indoctrination of the IU Fight Song and the memorization of the entire IU Men's Basketball team that have Chad really happy.  Calvin will gladly tell you his favorite player is "Juwaaaaaaan", his cousin Sam like "OG" and Uncle Evvy likes "Thomas".  I think his head will explode when Chad takes him to his first IU game.

We moved him to a big boy bed back in October and he's *nearly* potty trained, though that's been one step forward, two steps back.  He goes to preschool two days a week and loves to hang with his best buddy Max.  Christmas has him allllll excited this year, which is exciting for us to watch.  And he's looking so grown up these days.  He's growing like a weed and never stops talking. I wish I would write down all the funny things he says and does.  I'll never tire of hearing him say "I'm losing my britches!" (when his pants are falling down)  Cal has a big heart and that has me proud.  Watching him grow is such a privilege.

Last, but not least, Elena!  It feels good to say that she's finally on the upswing again!  Having a child with special needs is a constant roller coaster.  Things will be good for awhile, then something pops up (perhaps like emergency hip surgery), enter crisis/setback mode, then usually things get ironed out again.  I'm praying that we stay on this track for a good long bit, because it's SO awesome to see her doing so well.  I can't express enough how much she loves school.  Anytime anyone asks her about it, she immediately smiles and starts to "tell" them all about it.  Chad and I just can tell that her little brain is soaking up all the input, academically, socially and therapeutically.  We are so encouraged by it all.  You may have seen the video I posted last week of her taking steps in therapy.  This is also a new "stride" (pun intended!) for her.  She must feel great with two new, stable hips under her because all she wants to do is stand and take off stepping.  It's so fun to watch.  She's really doing great on all fronts...visually, communicative skills, academically, physically....she continues to prove to us that there is so, so much more that is possible for her.

All of that said, it's a lot.  There's still so much to manage.  Our list of "shoulds" is a lot longer than what we are actually doing.  She needs a lot of support and we get a lot of "homework" in her therapies that we struggle to implement at home.  It really is a full time job.  With our schedule and three kids who all need me all day, the tasks are impossible.  But, it still feels good knowing all that she is doing, without me at my full devotion to all her needs.

Momlife is hard ya'll.  It feels somewhat better, to see all that my kids are and achieving, (do this!) written out when every day feels mostly like a failure.  Three kids is no joke.  It makes me almost cringe when people say to me what a great job I'm doing because, let me be real clear here....we are surviving.  That's it...there's little else to our day other than just making it to bedtime.  And when bedtime comes, I breathe on the couch for approximately 15-20 minutes before putting myself to bed.  I haven't seen 10pm (honestly, 9:30pm) in months.  I know I'm not alone, there's lots of you Mom's out there in the trenches with me.  But, it's true...it's just a season (oh dear God, please let this just be a season!) and one magical day I won't clean up puke, poop or other bodily fluids.  I'll rise in the morning after a full and complete night's sleep.  I'll blissfully send all three kids to school and enjoy eight peaceful hours of nothing.  Maybe I'll even put on real jeans, curl my hair (let's be real here, actually shower), and look acceptable in public.  That day WILL come and it will be amazing.  But for now, it's not...ha!

Our life, in all it's chaos, is still pretty great.  I have three ridiculously, squeezably, cute kids who make me laugh (and cry), smile (and cry), and bring me so much joy (and cry).  We have so much to be thankful for this holiday season and always.  That's the Hinton's lately...and props to me for posting two weeks in a row....it's a win!